Bridging Fantasy & Reality

"We are left with a choice. Either let the guilt throw you back into the behavior that got you into trouble in the first place, or learn from the guilt and do your best to move on." -Grey's Anatomy, season 3

Okayyy, i think i'm guilty of signing up for everything too fast, too soon.... Now instead of working as planned, this is clashing with that and that has just trashed this and soon this is gonna screw that up and then all i'll be left with is mush. I think i'm in for a burn out........ pppbhhhtttttttt....

Went out with the girls today... I tried to load the pictures we took but it's taking ages...and i mean aGeSSSSSSSs... ANd right now, i don't have that kinda time... I have this to do and that and then that and that which reminds me of the other thing i've gotta do... Urgh! I think i just made myself sick.. Anywayz, it was sooooo SoOOOoOOOoOOO fun. Like being back in high school again, even if that meant being blur in the conversation most of the time coz no matter how hard i try to get em to speak English it (...the convo) always finds it's way back to mandarin.. Sigh...

This time around it was a mix.... And i didn't mind it at all... It gave me time to check out whenever i wanted to and i knew most of the contents of the conversation so selamba only la. We cam whored before the food came and after the food came and while shopping and during the ride home...... The camera is officially the new age cell phone. Talking and giggling and cam whoring and walking around, window shopping is the perfect aphrodisiac for the mood. It does wonders i tell you. Sent the girls home reluctantly coz E Ting had to leave for Gentings.. I know!! Again... Apparently some concert thingy majiggy.... Also had a close shave with a road collision... Ting's hyperactive thyroid-isme or something like that didn't help.....

Joanne called while i was shopping... So WiErD! I was ALL set on pickin up Mrs Teng's (NOT Yuen Yin!!!) call, requesting me to begin my duties as off Monday... Even planned to go shopping for formal attire and cover toe shoes (eugh! yucky duck duck) with Mabel... But just like that, the unpredictability caught me off guard and i spoke in my sweetest possible voice... Apparently, i got the Internship at YM and they're beginning this exciting new campaign... ANd at the hospital, Mrs Teng's team is beginning this new exciting campaign for obese children as well where they devise diet plans and exercise routines for the kids... And as selfish as this is going to sound *whhhhhiiiiiiiiiiiiiineeeeeeeeeeeee* i wanna be a part of bothhhhhhh!!!!!! Life is so unfair!

She also wanted to know if i was free on tues, wed and thurs to go to Terengganu as part of the campaign and i was like, OMG OMG i SoO have to go..... And right there, in the middle of the cosmetic aisle at Watson's i had a mini b**** freak. Dilemma! Dilemma! Grudgingly called mom who set me straight and told me exactly what to do. Man! What would i do without mom?!?? Thought she would retaliate in a feverish way at the mention of Terengganu but she was all cool... So i waited for Mrs Teng to call til about 6 and then i called to no avail so i decided to go on that trip.. Called Joanne and asked her if she needed more people and she was over the moon at the mere mention of assistance so made a few more calls and now Nirmal's comin toooooooo! Wheeeeeeeee! This rocks! Free stay, free ride and we get paid!!!!

Still don't know how i'm going to explain myself to Mrs Teng but mom came up with a sly plan so yea... Hee... Wtv it is, i HAVE to choose between hospital internship which pays 900 bucks per month and will look like a gold star on my CV, not to mention provide me with sound experience of working with friendly health care professionals OR the writing internship which will not pay as well and will see me through various writing assignments, and my favourite! Meeting people sessions...... Once again i'm left with the decision of choosing between the science or the arts. Security or risk. The safe choice that ignites my interest at a gradual pace or the risky choice that sets my passion ablaze..... Sheesh! Latter or former??? Helpppp!?

Ish, will try and upload pictures tomorrow... Am having sms marathon with JJ now..

And you! Yesh! YOU! The one who has been calling me like a maniac from just now. STOP! Coz i'm not answering it........ ppphhhhbbbtttttttt

*blink*

Comments (2) Full article

"The phone, bringing people together....
The static crackle that interrupts the connection, annoying people that matter..."
-you're probably wondering 'what the heck??!", well, guess what, i'm wondering that too-

There're dark clouds in the sky, gLoOmY morning..... I have no idea what to make of it, especially considering my interview at Sunway Medical Center is today... I'm saying a little prayer so that God will grant me a favour and keep his tears within the clouds til my interview's over. Funny, though, i have seriously NO idea what interning at the Nutrtition and Dietetics department's all about. I kinda forgot to ask when Miss Elisa told me about it coz i think i was too excited at the thought of the internship....

A Miss Teng from HR woke me up from my afternoon slumber and asked me to come over for the interview today. I almost laughed at how i gelabah-ly answered my cellphone when it started to ring. i'm sure you would've too if you had seen me... *eyes open, flashing around in psychotic movements* panic knocked unsteadily at my heart strings with thoughts of 'this one sure important! This one sure important!' swarming in my head. Entwined with thoughts of 'why now? why now?' *yawn*. *Stretch, tries to grab cell, slips outta clutch, grab, grab* Yay! Success! Got it!! *answers phone in husky, hoarse voice, still pretty blur* Miss Teng sounds a bit weirded out on the other end..... This happens all the time when i answer calls that jolt me from my slumber, the person on the other end starts wondering what kinda weird human being they're trying to make a conversation with.... Kee Tat, if i freaked you out the other day, I'm sorry! I was sorta dreaming in la la land when you called. Hee.... Why do people always call when i'm sleeping anyway? Oh the irony!! Back to subject matter, i was so blur that i asked her 'do you want me to start tomorrow???!!?" and she let out this funny giggle, mocking? ridicule? i dunno... and i quickly chipped in to redeem myself, "err, interview is it??".... She uh-huhed and that's how I ended up with this interview.. Now what should i wear??? eek!

Aneeewayyy, yesterday my cell was buzzing frantically with text messages which was superb considering i had no credit to reply anybody... (Again: Oh the irony!!)... And speaking of irony, if you read yesterday's entry, i expressed how i wanted the four of 'us' to go out and catch up... Well whaddya know?? The one of the four of 'us' txed and we're all set for our an appointment today!!! Wheeeeeeeee! So excited!!!!

Then Shaari from Havana Estudio texed informing me about the new hip hop dance class... Will tell you more about the Belly dancing classes today Chyi... LOL! And then coach Moon texed, asking me to go for the dinner gathering they were having for all the tennis players on saturday at Cendana Kiaramas...

And then Mike texed, to which i didn't reply... Sry Mike!! And then Nirmal texed, twice, an hour apart from each other... I called her and we chatted about how that dorky Even Stevens guy grew up and is starring as the lead actor in Transformers, and about the SATs, and about how much and long we sleep lately, and about when she'll be coming down again, and about what we were up to, and about the birthday party and about so many many things.... Absence makes the heart grow fonder, how true!!!!

Also got in touch with Jacintha to ask her to lunch with me today since she'll be leaving for Kuching this week but she's busy with her Visa and her mom's down so it's a no go. At least i WILL be seeing her again. Will be spending two nights in Kuching with her after the BRATs camp.... Wheeeeeeeeeeee! A month's wait won't be long right? *crosses fingers*

Then Adam called at night to confirm my trip.... OMG! I SO CaNnOT wait to see him!!!!!! He told me the details about his trip to Somalia, and about the stuff going on with him and about his course and about his experiences. And i was so JeAlOUs!!! Green with envy!! Jas, you're gonna have a really GREAT time in Harvard... And then i told him about my psychotic fetish for internships, and the Genting trip and about my non existent love life and about how much i was missing everyone......... Didn't want the conversation to end but it did, eventually... Hee...

PS: Cass, i would lurve to be your specimen subject in time to come, but be warned, this brain is a complex one........

PPS: Was looking up behavioural science yesterday and surprise surprise, behavioural science is indeed psychology!! So Cass, am shoving that in my pool of considerable courses to take...

Comments (1) Full article

"The mental picture you have of yourself made you who you are today. When you change that mental picture of yourself you will change to match that picture." - Andrew Matthews, Being a Happy Teenager

The realization of how much I've changed since high school hit me hard yesterday as i was writing a letter of appeal to Blu Inc Media regarding their internship program.... Okayyy, i know, i'm applying like an uncontrollable psycho to every single company on the vicinity.... but that's just it. Suddenly, i can't seem to sit still and enjoy the thrills of relaxation like used to back in my school days. Life was pretty simple then. It was off to school, fun with friends (i never paid much attention during classes exp during Chem and Physics), recess with the same clique, long walk back home under the scorching sun after which i would be famished and ever ready to voraciously soothe my appetite with well prepared home cooked food.... The rest of the day would be spent studying with sleep, exercise, house chores and dinner intervals in between... Occasionally, i would meet up with friends and on weekends, loads would happen on the social front but more often than not, i was a home body and proud to be one... (Just like you Sher!!!) My consistency and discipline made me a good student but somehow i knew that by just staying close to what i was comfortable with, i was missing many good opportunities.

Opportunities to discover myself, meet interesting people....don't get me wrong, i had loads of interesting people in my life already....,chances to explore, to taste the true thrills that life had to offer. I was certain that i was missing out on something. And with that, came the resolution of transformation. I still have the list i made, stored within the pages of my trusted journal... The journal where ALL my deep, dark secret lies.... The one that NO ONE will ever get to read except me... *evil laughter* Anyway, was going through it yesterday and i came across 'the list'. I'm proud to say that i could tick off most of the things that i resolved to do and that i had achieved most of the goals that i wanted to.

It seems to me that breaking out of my shell was the best decision I had ever made to date. Leading a life of routine is great, it's safe, it's guaranteed and predictable and more often than not, you know what you're capable of achieving coz you're set on achieving it and nothing else matters. By breaking out into the green, everything's suddenly a risk, there aren't any guarantees, you have no idea who you'll meet or what you'll come across or where life will lead you. You just have to go with the flow and success isn't always there, neither is comfort or security but hell is it exciting........ There's something to look forward to every single day, something to wake up and clamour out of bed for, something to sing about, something ponder about, new people to meet and discover....... It's a risk but a risk worth taking. Things weren't all hunky and dory most of the time, there were grades to sacrifice (I wasn't as competent as I was back in school, needless to say...) and there's the risk of expecting too much and the risk of meeting conniving individuals who were intent on exploiting... And sometimes, i got lost along the way, somewhere amidst the waves, i didn't really know who i was or what i wanted but then you find your way again. And that's what this growing up phase is about - discovering yourself....

I can't say that by changing my perspective and embracing the unpredictability that life has to offer, i have already discovered who i am coz that would be an outright lie. I haven't. I'm still searching... What i can say, though, is breaking out has given me a new lease in life. I've reached my lowest low and my highest high, and those 'highs' have been priceless....

AND, i've met so many awesome people and discovered so many things about myself and learnt so much from the bad..... Although I've acquired a number of really true good friends in the past, I must admit that I've made some of my best friends yet after the change... Friends that i can be myself with and express ALL my thoughts to....... I guess, complacency sometimes takes over when you lead a life of security and routine that we fail to recognize how minor changes can unleash the person in you that you never knew about....

That said, the end of college means that i can transform again... I can be anyone i want to be, a fun loving bimbo, a tight-assed critic, a high flying achiever, a boring knuckle head.. What i still fail to fathom is how do you know who you are? Is it possible to know who you are or do people just change with the progression of time? I've read a couple of times that you just discover who you are with age and experience. But aren't we constantly growing (aging...)??

Questions aside, today....although not very much halfway through considering i'm writing this early in the day....is pretty wacky. Got up with GREAT hair. I was like, whoa! Everything was in place, just like i wanted it to be... Sadly, no one will be seeing how fabulous it looks, don't think i will be leaving the house much. Called Cass and we talked for a while before i received Miss Elisa's message urging me to resend my resume for the internship at the nutrition and dietetics department at Sunway Medical Center. Personally, i kinda doubt i'll be interning there coz, i dunno, It's just a feeling..... Been surfing a lot for more unis... Did a broad scan on Uni of Otago yesterday. The library looks like a shopping mall!!!!!!!!!!! They don't offer scholarships for international undergrads for the course i've set my mind on signing up for so that's a bummer!!

Might go to Amcorp Mall to get more movies to feast my eyes on.... Chyi!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I MISS U!!! Miss talking to you about sappy soap operas... Let's go out, the four of us... And become uncontrollable giggly chicks like old times... Hee..

Hmmm, i guess that's it.... Reading 'Under the Duvet' by Marian Keyes, insight to the life of a struggling journalist.......

ps: Adam, i think you should open ur blog so i can link you and get people to stop asking me how you so suddenly vanished from the face of the earth...........

Comments (2) Full article

"It seems that if you or i must choose between two courses of thought or action,
we should remember our dying and
try so to live that our death brings no pleasure on the world" - John Steinback

So the Genting trip is finally over... Came back yesterday and a huge gigantic black cloud just hung over my head for most of the evening, not merely because the trip was over and all the fantasies regarding how the trip was going to turn out warped into thin air but mostly coz the PC was cranky again. When i slotted the memory card in to save the pictures on my pen drive the screen went pitch black and just like that, i lost a couple of pictures.... Individual ones with Case, Ben, Daniele and Nirmal and a couple from Wannitta's birthday party... Since this PC despises me so much that the mere sight of me completely turns it off, i have decided to begin my hunt for a laptop much sooner than i intended it to be.... I see money 'poofing' into thin air again but i'm gonna have to get one eventually. Went to sleep right away to avoid snapping at anyone and bringing everyone down with me..... So, for those of you who intend to get pictures from me, you're gonna have to wait for me to overcome my fear of losing anything else via this PC...

The trip was pretty good but it was the company that was better. I guess, if i weren't with my classmates and the conditions were similar, i wouldn't have liked it very much.... Those two days really made me realize a lot more than i expected to. Actually, the whole trip was kinda unpredictable in a way.... We missed our first bus and ended up taking an LRT to Gombak only to hitch a taxi ride to the highlands which was kinda fun in a weird way. We chose to go to the theme park in the worse weather possible - wet, rainy, misty, windy. The next day turned out to be bright and shockingly appropriate for outdoor activities... Nobody's fault coz the weather never fails to play cruel jokes on people, just like my PC plays cruel jokes on me.... So yea, that was two amongst the couple of unpredictable twist of events....

Anyway, I was not as depressed at the thought of separation as i expected myself to be and at times, i even had more fun than i expected to have and strangely, i managed to get more sleep than i expected to get.... So this whole trip kinda exceeded my expectations in a good way... Realized a lot of stuff about many people that i did not see before, sides that i either chose not to see or just was not as important. First impressions never fail to deceive and that was even clearer to me as i trudged around with the people that i had grown to love and adore throughout the course of these one and a half years... It was a short two days, a journey filled with laughter and memories which i will cherish for a long long time.

I guess the main reason i did not have tears to spare was coz I knew that everyone would stay close to my heart regardless of time and distance. I knew that i, for one, had fulfilled my role as a friend. I was never mean to anyone, treated everyone with respect and apart from moments when i had surprisingly little to stay although my mind boggled relentlessly with thoughts, i'd like to think that i was good company. Ultimately, like John Steinback wrote, i don't think my death will bring any pleasure to the world.....

There're also a few minor things that i've come to realize, Number 1: I may always suck at bowling but i think i kinda enjoy it.... I guess i just embrace the joy it brings and discard the tense moments that fill the air (or at least the air that surrounds me) when the ball rolls into the drain.... Number 2: I may never overcome my fear of feeling weightless (ie: riding the solero shot thingy or any other similar terror ride). Number 3: As ridiculous as this is going to sound, the cups thing drives me crazy. Went completely hysterical when I went for it with Daniele and Nirmal, like my brains were gonna explode and scatter all over the place. I think Sing Huey will agree with me on this one. Number 4: Many people aren't tolerant of alcohol, sleeplessness, walking around in the rain/cold for an extended amount of time and eating overpriced and rather sucky food. On the second day, everyone seemed rather corpse like. Titine was sick, Wannitta felt nauseous and despised the sight of carbs (her words), Nirmal was fine on the first day but seemed exhausted the next morning (Maybe coz we slept on the floor the whole time, thanks to the gentlemanly acts of the selfless guys in S2), Case was well, Case.... Sau Liang seemed like an uncharged battery. And i think almost everyone got asked, "Are you ok?", at least once by someone else.... I didn't, hee, so i guess i looked/seemed fine and honestly, i didn't feel to bad. Number 5: Gentings is kinda boring without good company... Good place to gamble, not so good for anything else... Number 6: Never go anywhere thinking that you're not gonna get you're hair dirty so a wash is not necessary... Number 7: Card games rock!!

So there, the trip in a nutshell. Will miss everyone dearly but yesterday's sleep was priceless! Dreamt about destroying this PC with a sledge hammer and woke up with a huge smile on my face at eleven ish....

My tickets to Kuching have been booked.... Mum's real quick, she's like road runner on a roll.. So i guess i will be going to that camp whether i like it or not... Also gonna check out my options of studying at a uni locally since it does not seem too disastrous and we're kinda low on the finance front at the moment...

That's that.

Comments (1) Full article

People continue to walk in and out of our lives...
It may seem, sometimes, that our existence in the world somehow bears a close resemblance to a motel,
The real question is, what kinda motel do we choose to be?
There's the shabby one-nighter, remembered for it's inhospitable environment,
Then there's the regular 3 star one, which brings back no fond memories or vaguely little of it,
And then, there's the exquisite 5 star hotel which ignites the memory like a wild forest fire...


For fear of being hurt, trusting and losing, we can treat our 'guests' with nothing more than brief conversations and tight, guarded behaviour - this obviously puts us in the shabby one-nighter category,
OR, we can get through each day in a facade where we use our 'guests' to meet our own selfish ends,
We can be indifferent towards their needs, wants and desires,
We can be pleasant, yet controlled... Hospitable yet apprehensive....
This would thrust us into the unmemorable hotel category....
BUt if we really get to know everyone for who they are,
Trust with all our hearts,
SHow genuine interest in the vibrancy and uniqueness of every single individual without the fear of being betrayed or losing them, then we can be one of those memorable 5 star hotels....
The ones that people keep coming back to, the ones that people tend to always remember..... - adaption from the 'wise-ass serebrum' of Dimithira....



Mood : Reflective

Music : Mika - Life in Cartoon Motion (My Interpretation)



I'd like to think that for you guys, i've been one of those memorable 5 star hotels.... Friends have always been really important to me. Maybe that's why i despise separation so much... Saying goodbye in my vocabulary is uncomfortable, teary and it completely freaks me out... I've chosen not to say goodbye to many people who were significant in my life when they were leaving quite a number of times. The notion of separation seemed more appealing without the tears and dealing with all the fears... But sometimes, goodbyes are just necessary... Sometimes, all we really need to heal the wounds of separation is a good dose of goodbye.... Anywayz, i'm pretty sure that i'll be carrying a part of everyone of you guys with me no matter where i go. Every small thing that crosses my path will remind me of you... Like when i hear someone laugh, i'll be reminded of ShalEnE's eccentric laugh and when i see a yellow car, i'll be reminded of Sobana (actually, i already do most of the time) and when i see a child, i'll be reminded of Cassie's childlike innocence... Ok ok, not every kid will remind me about you Case coz that would be crazy!!! Just the once with cherubic lips like yours.... LOL

I hate to think that the Genting Trip will be the last time we'll be seeing each other.... I guess it won't really be the last time but it'll be difficult to gather everyone at the same place at the same time and people tend to talk and plan but never do anything... So, all i can really do is just make sure that we end up having a helluva good time in Gentings.... Haven't heard anything from Ben yet and it's really freaking me out. Maybe, just maybe something's up and i really hope that that's not the case....

I think i'm in denial. Coz sometimes i still wake up thinking 'oh darn it! i'm late for class? What should i wear? Should i go swimming first?' And then i realize that there IS no college... No driving while humming and bopping my head cheerfully to the music on fly fm... No speeding on NPE, wondering if there'll be any parking space in the college compound... No hanging out at the student concourse or rushing to class, breathing heavily.... No more greeting everyone and wondering about all the wonders that today will bring.... At times it's overwhelming, especially when i was clearing out my notes a couple of days ago... I think i teared up more than once and i still haven't gotten my self to dispose of them.. Supposed to bring them to the recycling place but i'm gonna do it when i'm a little more sobered up...... The only way i'll be able to embrace the future is by forgetting the past and letting go.. Eventually, i will but i'm just not ready yet.. Give me til the end of this month at least...

Anywayz, talking about the future, i was called in for an interview at YM the other day. Found myself driving to USJ at ten-ish, finding a parking space was *groan* but managed to secure one right in front of the office. Joel, a dashing young chinese guy interviewed me. He's apparently appearing on this all new reality tv show - the Firm, sorta like a Malaysian version of The Apprentice... So there, dashing, successful, articulate..... But this is my might-be future employer we're talking about so fat chance! Hee.... Will be happy to introduce any of you though... Any takers?? I think the interview went pretty ok... Was stressing about what to wear and what to say so much that i guess i kinda forgot about the simplicity of it all... I just had to be me and that exactly who i was....

Lunched with Daniele, Titine, Sobana and Nisha later... We took pictures and talked just like old times... Went to see Mr Kingsley and Miss Irma after that.. Mr King invited me for their lunch thingy on Friday coz i 'Merajuked' when i found out about it... Haha. SO now i'm IN it..... Had loads of fun!!

Oh, and i got accepted into the BRATS camp thing. I'm not sure if i wanna go anymore la! Sheesh. It's in Kuching and it's supposed to be a really good experience for aspiring journalists. Plus, since i'm set to go to Jas's place, it'll be quite a good plan... Y'know, like 16th to 22nd, BRATS camp and then off to Jas's place... So i guess, i'll be accepting the offer although i might end up being one of the oldest ones there..... =(

Had lunch with Jacintha and Michelle at Pink today... We talked and then went to settle the refund thingy and went to see Miss Elisa again........... Supposed to go get a letter from Miss Irma so that i can apply for more internships but haven't done that yet. Ugh! So much to do!!

Oh, yea, to all of you who wanted to know how the graduation night went, it went pretty well.. Everyone was dressed to the tee, the food was so so, everyone was in a good mood and nothing embarrassing happened.. Except, i cried... I kNoW!! I was just so overwhelmed by emotions when Thaya started crying when she was about to leave and it just happened. She looked so.... I dunno, like the world had just crumbled and i think I sorta felt like it was about to crumble like a freshly baked cookie so i just let go. But heyy! I'm not that cold, not as tearless as Mabel!!! I am totally capable of letting go when i want to... Felt like a complete idiot after that though...

Couldn't be one of the earliest on the dance floor coz i had loads of 'key' issues to deal with... That's what happens when you let your car become the storage compartment!! My keys were being passed from one end to the other and i was determined not to allow last year's incident, where Sunisha accidently took my keys home, to recur so i was pacing in paranoia.. When i finally did get on the dance floor, everyone was already caught up in the moment. Felt quite awkward at first but then i realized that it was graduation night and there was no point in standing around, guarded, being afraid of embarrassing myself so i just did my thing la... Must've looked really silly but i didn't really care... SO yea...

Went to Soul'd Out with Case, Mike, Ben, Titine and Nimmi later. I swear, no matter how many times i've gone to Hartamas, my sense of direction's still kinda shaky when it comes to that place. And this time Mike was following me so there was even more pressure... With God's grace, i managed to get them there safely, just couldn't get em back safely as well coz it was so dark and it felt like a case of the blind leading the blind... But the other blind-Mike-regained the sense of sight and led the way... LOL I actually didn't feel like heading home at all but the place was closing and i guess the others were tired as well...

Had a soul baring session with Nirmal later........ We talked and talked and talked til 5 am and we weren't supposed to go to sleep but ended up sleeping for 3 hours anyway...... FUN!!

Guess that's it... My side of the graduation night story... Enough?? I'll tell you guys more later la if you really wanna know. Still, i DONOT understand what the BIG deal is? THe way you were asking me was as if something was supposed to happen?!??! I smell something fishy... Fishy Fishy Fishy.......

Gotta bid goodbye now. Don't ask me where i blogged from. Trust me, you don't wanna know..

Here's 2 PS's for you

PS 1 : Chyi told me that Chern Han got offered a place in Cambridge but, but, but.... He turned it
down, coz he was offered a place in Princeton and he wanted to go to US.... This, i think, is
the smartest decision anyone has ever made.... (honest! no sarcasm here...)

PS 2 : Xander (Tze Siang) was offered the valedictorian award for A Levels. Yup Yup, the guy
we love to hate... Cut him some slack ppl, this is his time to reign so we should just stop
mocking and respect it.....

Comments (1) Full article

Ni Ni and me
My favoritest pic of the night..... Maybe coz it was with Liang??? LOL
Chem group pic with Teng and Mike..... And the shortest of em allll.....

Comments (3) Full article