Bridging Fantasy & Reality

"The mental picture you have of yourself made you who you are today. When you change that mental picture of yourself you will change to match that picture." - Andrew Matthews, Being a Happy Teenager

The realization of how much I've changed since high school hit me hard yesterday as i was writing a letter of appeal to Blu Inc Media regarding their internship program.... Okayyy, i know, i'm applying like an uncontrollable psycho to every single company on the vicinity.... but that's just it. Suddenly, i can't seem to sit still and enjoy the thrills of relaxation like used to back in my school days. Life was pretty simple then. It was off to school, fun with friends (i never paid much attention during classes exp during Chem and Physics), recess with the same clique, long walk back home under the scorching sun after which i would be famished and ever ready to voraciously soothe my appetite with well prepared home cooked food.... The rest of the day would be spent studying with sleep, exercise, house chores and dinner intervals in between... Occasionally, i would meet up with friends and on weekends, loads would happen on the social front but more often than not, i was a home body and proud to be one... (Just like you Sher!!!) My consistency and discipline made me a good student but somehow i knew that by just staying close to what i was comfortable with, i was missing many good opportunities.

Opportunities to discover myself, meet interesting people....don't get me wrong, i had loads of interesting people in my life already....,chances to explore, to taste the true thrills that life had to offer. I was certain that i was missing out on something. And with that, came the resolution of transformation. I still have the list i made, stored within the pages of my trusted journal... The journal where ALL my deep, dark secret lies.... The one that NO ONE will ever get to read except me... *evil laughter* Anyway, was going through it yesterday and i came across 'the list'. I'm proud to say that i could tick off most of the things that i resolved to do and that i had achieved most of the goals that i wanted to.

It seems to me that breaking out of my shell was the best decision I had ever made to date. Leading a life of routine is great, it's safe, it's guaranteed and predictable and more often than not, you know what you're capable of achieving coz you're set on achieving it and nothing else matters. By breaking out into the green, everything's suddenly a risk, there aren't any guarantees, you have no idea who you'll meet or what you'll come across or where life will lead you. You just have to go with the flow and success isn't always there, neither is comfort or security but hell is it exciting........ There's something to look forward to every single day, something to wake up and clamour out of bed for, something to sing about, something ponder about, new people to meet and discover....... It's a risk but a risk worth taking. Things weren't all hunky and dory most of the time, there were grades to sacrifice (I wasn't as competent as I was back in school, needless to say...) and there's the risk of expecting too much and the risk of meeting conniving individuals who were intent on exploiting... And sometimes, i got lost along the way, somewhere amidst the waves, i didn't really know who i was or what i wanted but then you find your way again. And that's what this growing up phase is about - discovering yourself....

I can't say that by changing my perspective and embracing the unpredictability that life has to offer, i have already discovered who i am coz that would be an outright lie. I haven't. I'm still searching... What i can say, though, is breaking out has given me a new lease in life. I've reached my lowest low and my highest high, and those 'highs' have been priceless....

AND, i've met so many awesome people and discovered so many things about myself and learnt so much from the bad..... Although I've acquired a number of really true good friends in the past, I must admit that I've made some of my best friends yet after the change... Friends that i can be myself with and express ALL my thoughts to....... I guess, complacency sometimes takes over when you lead a life of security and routine that we fail to recognize how minor changes can unleash the person in you that you never knew about....

That said, the end of college means that i can transform again... I can be anyone i want to be, a fun loving bimbo, a tight-assed critic, a high flying achiever, a boring knuckle head.. What i still fail to fathom is how do you know who you are? Is it possible to know who you are or do people just change with the progression of time? I've read a couple of times that you just discover who you are with age and experience. But aren't we constantly growing (aging...)??

Questions aside, today....although not very much halfway through considering i'm writing this early in the day....is pretty wacky. Got up with GREAT hair. I was like, whoa! Everything was in place, just like i wanted it to be... Sadly, no one will be seeing how fabulous it looks, don't think i will be leaving the house much. Called Cass and we talked for a while before i received Miss Elisa's message urging me to resend my resume for the internship at the nutrition and dietetics department at Sunway Medical Center. Personally, i kinda doubt i'll be interning there coz, i dunno, It's just a feeling..... Been surfing a lot for more unis... Did a broad scan on Uni of Otago yesterday. The library looks like a shopping mall!!!!!!!!!!! They don't offer scholarships for international undergrads for the course i've set my mind on signing up for so that's a bummer!!

Might go to Amcorp Mall to get more movies to feast my eyes on.... Chyi!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I MISS U!!! Miss talking to you about sappy soap operas... Let's go out, the four of us... And become uncontrollable giggly chicks like old times... Hee..

Hmmm, i guess that's it.... Reading 'Under the Duvet' by Marian Keyes, insight to the life of a struggling journalist.......

ps: Adam, i think you should open ur blog so i can link you and get people to stop asking me how you so suddenly vanished from the face of the earth...........

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