Fear
7:32 PM
I have to admit. I am scared. It may seem to you that fear has taken over a generous portion of my life for no apparent reason. But to me, the reasons are not as far fetched as it would seem to you. Particularly coz everyone has their own generous set of problems to deal with. But mostly, coz you are not me. And 'me' has a hundred gazilion thoughts running through my head at every breathing moment. I sleep well, almost too well at times, but even then, there are spectrums of dreams that I do recall. And the dreams that plague my subconscious bear a very striking resemblance to what I think about in reality.......
I am scared for my mother. Lately, her coughs are almost earth shattering. She's always had this bugging cough that drove my sister and me insane but now it's just plain frightening. My mom's been diagnosed with Asthma BroncoPneumonia (<- yes, that sounds terribly scary but she's on meds and has to breathe with an inhaler so I hope everything will be ok). I almost broke down into tears when she started coughing this one time in the car. OhmyLord. It sounded horrible. And she tears as well. Her face goes beetroot red. And it sounds like all her organs could come out if she continued for just another mere moment. I think stress has contributed to this ALOT. My mom has been stressed out ever since I can remember it. She worries too much ( now u know where I get that from), wants things done IMMEDIATLY and has this annoying need to be on top of everything. It has seen her through some of the best days but I am worried. That soon she'll reach a triggering point which will result in a domino effect... And my mom is like THE EVERYTHING in my life. Which means every little thing drives me insane although I may not show it all the time.
I am scared for my sister. Some things cannot be understood. Other things cannot be controlled. And this thing cannot be elaborated. I can only hope that with time, she realizes and will make the right decisions. Coz really, honestly, my sister is an awesome person. No matter how different we are, there are moments that I share with her that are truly magical at times. Conversations that miraculously converge into mutual agreements. Thoughts that intertwine. A connection that cannot be described. I don't ever want to lose that. Not now or in the future.
I am scared to trust. This is something that my mom always warned me about. Don't trust people so easily. They only want to take advantage of you. Men only want one thing from you. They are all alike. God Bless my mom for disclosing all this hidden troves of treasure to me. But I don't think it has done me any good. With friends I am overly trusting. With guys I am completely untrusting. Sometimes I feel that people continuously take advantage of me. Other times I react so defensively and develop an air of indifference that it makes it hard to approach me at all... I think I'm pretty much damaged when it comes to trust. Where I want to follow my heart, my head comes barging in reminding me of all those times I've been hurt. The rest is a never ending tussle between the heart and the head. Best to stay out of it...
I am scared of what the future holds. When I go back to Auckland this time around everything will remain the same on the surface but whether or not it will feel the same is a completely different story. Two of my closest friends will not be around. And as happy as I am that they have found better prospects and solace in other institutions, I am pretty concerned about how it will all turn out when I need to find someone else to confide in. Hope is all I'm hanging on to right now. Sure, the excitement of meeting new people should bring about enthusiasm. But sometimes, I despise this vicious cycle of meeting new people, becoming attached to the point of disgust and then saying the goodbyes and starting all over.
I am scared for Leeza. Her patience is a good thing. But I am afraid that what's now described as a good thing may come back to consume and drive her to the point of frustration. I am scared that I might not be able to be happy with her choice. Whether it's momentary or permanent indifference to this turn of events, I don't know. All I know is, people never change that much and it's always better to trade on careful grounds.... So yea, Leeza. I'm sorry. But all I want is for you to be happy. Even if it means waiting. But then again, I have trust issues, so what do i know?
I am scared that all these stupid thoughts is making me a ticking time bomb waiting to explode. So I shall go busy myself with the stuff that I need to get done before boarding a flight and travelling 290479837589347 miles away from this awesome place. Sometimes I wonder, why did I ever leave home. I had a life here, and clearly I still do.... But if I never left I would've never found out that this world is such a gigantic place with so many different people. Not everyone will like you. You have to live with. Life is not about pleasing people. It's about pleasing yourself. I would've never known independence on a whole new level. I would've continued to stick within the boundaries of my comfort zone and been happy all the time.... So here's me saying, "here I come world. For round 2. Suck me dry. Kick me in the shins. Wring me out. Do whatever you want to. Just as long as I have a home to come to at the end of the day, I'm fine!". I leave in exactly 3 weeks from now. Yes. Where the hell did all that time go to?
I am scared for my mother. Lately, her coughs are almost earth shattering. She's always had this bugging cough that drove my sister and me insane but now it's just plain frightening. My mom's been diagnosed with Asthma BroncoPneumonia (<- yes, that sounds terribly scary but she's on meds and has to breathe with an inhaler so I hope everything will be ok). I almost broke down into tears when she started coughing this one time in the car. OhmyLord. It sounded horrible. And she tears as well. Her face goes beetroot red. And it sounds like all her organs could come out if she continued for just another mere moment. I think stress has contributed to this ALOT. My mom has been stressed out ever since I can remember it. She worries too much ( now u know where I get that from), wants things done IMMEDIATLY and has this annoying need to be on top of everything. It has seen her through some of the best days but I am worried. That soon she'll reach a triggering point which will result in a domino effect... And my mom is like THE EVERYTHING in my life. Which means every little thing drives me insane although I may not show it all the time.
I am scared for my sister. Some things cannot be understood. Other things cannot be controlled. And this thing cannot be elaborated. I can only hope that with time, she realizes and will make the right decisions. Coz really, honestly, my sister is an awesome person. No matter how different we are, there are moments that I share with her that are truly magical at times. Conversations that miraculously converge into mutual agreements. Thoughts that intertwine. A connection that cannot be described. I don't ever want to lose that. Not now or in the future.
I am scared to trust. This is something that my mom always warned me about. Don't trust people so easily. They only want to take advantage of you. Men only want one thing from you. They are all alike. God Bless my mom for disclosing all this hidden troves of treasure to me. But I don't think it has done me any good. With friends I am overly trusting. With guys I am completely untrusting. Sometimes I feel that people continuously take advantage of me. Other times I react so defensively and develop an air of indifference that it makes it hard to approach me at all... I think I'm pretty much damaged when it comes to trust. Where I want to follow my heart, my head comes barging in reminding me of all those times I've been hurt. The rest is a never ending tussle between the heart and the head. Best to stay out of it...
I am scared of what the future holds. When I go back to Auckland this time around everything will remain the same on the surface but whether or not it will feel the same is a completely different story. Two of my closest friends will not be around. And as happy as I am that they have found better prospects and solace in other institutions, I am pretty concerned about how it will all turn out when I need to find someone else to confide in. Hope is all I'm hanging on to right now. Sure, the excitement of meeting new people should bring about enthusiasm. But sometimes, I despise this vicious cycle of meeting new people, becoming attached to the point of disgust and then saying the goodbyes and starting all over.
I am scared for Leeza. Her patience is a good thing. But I am afraid that what's now described as a good thing may come back to consume and drive her to the point of frustration. I am scared that I might not be able to be happy with her choice. Whether it's momentary or permanent indifference to this turn of events, I don't know. All I know is, people never change that much and it's always better to trade on careful grounds.... So yea, Leeza. I'm sorry. But all I want is for you to be happy. Even if it means waiting. But then again, I have trust issues, so what do i know?
I am scared that all these stupid thoughts is making me a ticking time bomb waiting to explode. So I shall go busy myself with the stuff that I need to get done before boarding a flight and travelling 290479837589347 miles away from this awesome place. Sometimes I wonder, why did I ever leave home. I had a life here, and clearly I still do.... But if I never left I would've never found out that this world is such a gigantic place with so many different people. Not everyone will like you. You have to live with. Life is not about pleasing people. It's about pleasing yourself. I would've never known independence on a whole new level. I would've continued to stick within the boundaries of my comfort zone and been happy all the time.... So here's me saying, "here I come world. For round 2. Suck me dry. Kick me in the shins. Wring me out. Do whatever you want to. Just as long as I have a home to come to at the end of the day, I'm fine!". I leave in exactly 3 weeks from now. Yes. Where the hell did all that time go to?
4 comments:
and why are you not scared for me?haha
and dun worry abt leeza..i'll take care of her.HAHA.right...more like the other way round.
coz i know despite ur PFH u have psychology to guide u into makin the right decisions. heheheheh.
take care of each other la. N u know what, i can't xs the sisterhood blog. so frus!
hey hey hey!
sorry about the phone conversation just now. i was at an electronics store, mid-way through a transaction with the salesperson. ekek.
i was almost sure that with u feeling a little "keberatan" (is this spelled correctly?), u would have said something on ur blog.
boy, was i right! =P
im sorry to hear that ur mom's health is not too good these days. hope she recovers from the asthma cum pneumonia thingy asap.
all moms worry about everything. MY mom is worried that i wont be able to find an aprtment to live in auckland. like hello? there are so many available!
and yes, its annoying! =D but oh well, we shall humour them.
and im sure ur sis will come around =).
in two weeks time, u'l be flying off to auckland. yes, i knw its hard. but as ive said on the phone, ull be back here anyways! at the end of the year, and permanently after 3 more years. it's not too bad =). most of our friends have to leave home anyway. and those who do not, desire to do so. hang on there dear! 1 year is not long.
u have me =). and i'll listen to u in auckland!
but ure most probably be too busy with a new bf anyway! =P
chin up, dimi!
Awww! thanks Su LYn!! ur so sweet! i know u'll b there for me when we head back. U were fm the very first day i set foot into Auckland! =) N most of the things u said was so very true.... Couldn't have said it better myself. M feeling a lot better just by reading tht.... Oh. Sry i'm replying so late, coz i don't check my blog very often these days. heheh. N hello! what new bf?!?!?!??!? pfft!
Miss u already lynzzz. Sorry i hate crocs. they look like dinosaur shoes!
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