Denial
7:21 AM
"The key to surviving a surgical internship is denial. We deny we're tired, we deny that we're scared, we deny how badly we want to succeed. And most importantly, we deny that we're in denial. We only see what we want to see and believe what we want to believe, and it works. We lie to ourselves so much that after a while the lies start to seem like the truth. We deny so much that we can't recognize the truth... right in front of our faces." -Greys Anatomy, season 2
Yep. For most part of my life, I have always seen what I wanted to see. Today was different though. Today I saw things that were staring me back at the face. Things that I would normally choose to ignore. And I felt like a better person for it.
I witnessed the softer side of someone who I didn't really take a liking to in the beginning of days. At first, it seemed like she made a living out of finding fault with me. But today, I saw her differently. It was as if a completely different person took over. And I couldn't help wondering if I had somehow overlooked all this in the past to fuel my preoccupation of finding something about her I could taunt?
I realized that as much as I enjoy denying it, assuming presidency of an almost defunct club and breathing (some) life into it might just be the best thing to happen to me yet. Seriously. In the course of these few months, I've not only expanded my social circle beyond my wildest dreams within the country, but I've come to know so many spirited people from the whole of Asia pacific. I've inspired and been inspired. I've been able to keep in touch with many college friends AND school friends!. I mean, if it weren't for meetings and activities, I don't think I would be seeing much of Eu Sheng, or Ben or Yin Ho. In fact, I didn't even know yin ho til recently. And at times, I feel like I can somehow connect really well and find level ground with the members as opposed to some friends I have know longer (not the close ones tho). I've been exposed to politics. I've established myself as a leader, maybe not an awesome one, but a leader no doubt. ANd I get endless opportunities to improve myself. How often do you get offers to emcee and parade around at formal events? So the truth is. I am enjoying it. To the max. Sucky times reside in everything. U can't escape the suckiness.
I am a procrastinator of sorts. I deny this all the time. Of late, this has been exacerbated. In fact, "later la" is my favorite word. Darn. Gotta change. Luckily, I have a yin to my procrastination yang in the form of my I-need-to-get-things-done-right-here-right-now mother. She's been filling forms and urging me to apply for this and that by scaring me into believing that I might end up staying on the streets in New Zealand.
I can't deny that I am afraid of the prospect of living alone in a whole different country with different values. Maybe the prospect itself is what's keeping me excited. But will I feel the same way when I'm there in person? When everything foreign is looking me in the face and nothing quite much bears any resemblance to the place I've known all my life? Will I feel the same way then? I haven't a clue. All I know for now, is that the prospect alone is fueling my enthusiasm.
Denial, Denial, I think we're all stuck in it at certain points in our life. Recognizing it might be the only way to get out.
"Sometimes reality has a way of sneaking up and biting us in the ass. And when the dam bursts, all you can do is swim. The world of pretend is a cage, not a cocoon. We can only lie to ourselves for so long. We are tired, we are scared, and denying it doesn't change the truth. Sooner or later we have to put aside our denial and face the world, head on, guns blazing... Denial. It's not just a river in Egypt. It's a freakin' ocean. So how do you keep from drowning in it?"
Yep. For most part of my life, I have always seen what I wanted to see. Today was different though. Today I saw things that were staring me back at the face. Things that I would normally choose to ignore. And I felt like a better person for it.
I witnessed the softer side of someone who I didn't really take a liking to in the beginning of days. At first, it seemed like she made a living out of finding fault with me. But today, I saw her differently. It was as if a completely different person took over. And I couldn't help wondering if I had somehow overlooked all this in the past to fuel my preoccupation of finding something about her I could taunt?
I realized that as much as I enjoy denying it, assuming presidency of an almost defunct club and breathing (some) life into it might just be the best thing to happen to me yet. Seriously. In the course of these few months, I've not only expanded my social circle beyond my wildest dreams within the country, but I've come to know so many spirited people from the whole of Asia pacific. I've inspired and been inspired. I've been able to keep in touch with many college friends AND school friends!. I mean, if it weren't for meetings and activities, I don't think I would be seeing much of Eu Sheng, or Ben or Yin Ho. In fact, I didn't even know yin ho til recently. And at times, I feel like I can somehow connect really well and find level ground with the members as opposed to some friends I have know longer (not the close ones tho). I've been exposed to politics. I've established myself as a leader, maybe not an awesome one, but a leader no doubt. ANd I get endless opportunities to improve myself. How often do you get offers to emcee and parade around at formal events? So the truth is. I am enjoying it. To the max. Sucky times reside in everything. U can't escape the suckiness.
I am a procrastinator of sorts. I deny this all the time. Of late, this has been exacerbated. In fact, "later la" is my favorite word. Darn. Gotta change. Luckily, I have a yin to my procrastination yang in the form of my I-need-to-get-things-done-right-here-right-now mother. She's been filling forms and urging me to apply for this and that by scaring me into believing that I might end up staying on the streets in New Zealand.
I can't deny that I am afraid of the prospect of living alone in a whole different country with different values. Maybe the prospect itself is what's keeping me excited. But will I feel the same way when I'm there in person? When everything foreign is looking me in the face and nothing quite much bears any resemblance to the place I've known all my life? Will I feel the same way then? I haven't a clue. All I know for now, is that the prospect alone is fueling my enthusiasm.
Denial, Denial, I think we're all stuck in it at certain points in our life. Recognizing it might be the only way to get out.
"Sometimes reality has a way of sneaking up and biting us in the ass. And when the dam bursts, all you can do is swim. The world of pretend is a cage, not a cocoon. We can only lie to ourselves for so long. We are tired, we are scared, and denying it doesn't change the truth. Sooner or later we have to put aside our denial and face the world, head on, guns blazing... Denial. It's not just a river in Egypt. It's a freakin' ocean. So how do you keep from drowning in it?"
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