Bridging Fantasy & Reality

"The thing about plans is they don't take into account the unexpected, so when we're thrown a curve ball, whether its in the O.R. or in life, we have to improvise. Of course, some of us are better at it than others. Some of us just have to move on to plan B, and make the best of it. And sometimes what we want is exactly what we need. But sometimes, sometimes what we need is a new plan." -Grey's Anatomy, S3

All i remember..........



Was sitting there, second row from the front, looking at that very last question that i oh-so-conveniently forgot to do. That i did not see, did not even manage to read when time was still valid, when i had so much of it to waste. I felt nauseated, sick, tear-my-hair out frustrated. I had practiced that question so many times, prepared for it till my fingers protested in pain and my eyes began to envision small static like dots. I had prepared for that very moment over the last few days, prepared so hard, practiced over and over again like someone who had lost her mind. Practiced to the point of cockiness.



All i remember...



Was a sick sensation rising to my troath-bile? gastric juice? - It didn't matter, nothing did. Everything was moving in slow motion. I made a feeble attempt to scrape the last of what i could but all i managed to do was replace the differential equation into it's integrable form before the lecturer with a limp approached to grab my paper.



All i remember.....



Was my suddenly constricted blood vessels in my limbs sending all the extremities cold with trepidation. I was caught up in that moment, my future flashing before me, all those faces laughing, letting slandering aspersions slip. The image of receiving my result slip and a huge disappointed look on my face hit me.



All i remember......



Was the look Jeremy gave me when i told him. The indifference that Esther showed when i told her. The way Derek spoke about it, making me feel like a complete idiot. A fool of all sorts.



All i remember.....



Was how i never EVER wanted to feel that way again. How the pressure had gotten to me in the most vicious way ever. How it sucked so bad, sitting there, frozen with the harsh realization that 11 marks was thrown away without even being attempted and there wasn't a thing i could do about it, nothing, nada, zip, zilch. The A was no longer in my grasp and nobody but I was responsible for it. A moment of carelessness, a lifetime of disappointment.

All i remember.....

Was the pendemonic atmosphere in the hallway, thick with anticipation, seething with self doubt. Voices of people flaunting their mistakes in the most agonizing facade. Exaggeration of each flaw, of the total amount of marks dissipated into thin air. Yet, i knew that mine was far from an exaggeration. It was the harsh truth that would make everyone else feel a little better about their performances. I paraded it, spreaded some love amidst the turmoil.

All i remember.....

Was not being able to shed a tear, not being able to wipe that pathetic goofy smile off my face, not being able to scream like i wanted to so badly, not being able to vent, not being able to give a damn about the 'complex situations' faced by the rest. My mind just boggled with self doubt, with the idiocy of it all.

All i remember.....

Was the look everyone gave me when i told them. The sympathetic look, the worse of the worse that anyone can get. The one that says it all-"you're doomed". Mouths synched to "everything will be ok" but looks gave it all away. It was a grave mistake, the type that no one wishes to ever make. Stupefied, how could this happen to me and why did it? I knew it was going to be far from ok, yet, i couldn't understand why i was calmer than i deserved to be.. The comforting hugs, the back rubs, the added exhibition of marks lost from here and there-i wish i didn't get em, i wish i didn't hear em, i wish i wasn't there. What i needed was someone to just set me straight. Someone to be honest with me. I needed mum.

All i remember.....

Was hearing her voice and suddenly letting go. It's was all i could do. Regardless of how much this meant to me. I may have collapsed but the world hadn't collapsed with me. There was still going to be a tomorrow and i have one last paper left before all this is over, before my face turns into a permanent frown.

All i remember.....

Was walking with Christine in One U, going over the darn thing over and over again. Zonified. Thinking about it between the scenes while watching Shrek the third. Thinking about what Miss Irma said to console me. About how the Brits suck at math. I surely hoped that this batch sucked even more..........

All I remember.........

Was stoning in my car for a half hour or so after my mechanics paper (which i screwed up s well), a few days earlier, telling myself that i could pull through. That i was totally capable of it, that i was stronger than what most worked me out to be. And i did. By Tuesday, i was on a roll. I could do ALL the past yr papers without help from anyone. I mastered everything that i needed to. I was a freaking math-dreaming zombie.

All I remember..........

Was my knees buckling beneath me as i broke down into tears in my room. The idea of it all, the unfair state of being. Mom walked in on me then and made me realize what a silly person i had become to let a couple of As dictate who i was. "You know what you're capable of, tht's all that matters. Stop indulging in self pity, let it go, what's done is done". "But i need to prove my capabilities to so many ppl!!!!!!!!!!!!!" I wailed. Seriously! Grow up! I know for a fact that had i done that question, the A would've been in my hand. No one else needed to know that. People make mistakes and this, albeit silly, was an honest one.

All i remember........

Was having a plan. Well, the plan didn't work out splendidly so it's time for a new one. I'm done regretting over the past. My fingers are crossed and my praise extended out towards God. Nothing else matters... So why do i still feel like pond scum?

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