Bridging Fantasy & Reality

I shall not delve into details, for fear that you might think I'm some sort of a nut job too. The thing with being here, in Auckland, is I constantly find myself in conflict. What I want to do differs so much from what I need to do. And ever so often, I feel like I'm not making enough effort to fit in and find my place, at least amongst the people who live with me. It sucks like that, to be staying in a student residence. The fact that everyone loves to drink and be party animals and socialize over drunkenness. I get that it's fun and young and liberating to be thrown into such social situations. But I also know that I can only be in those social situations when there're people who I completely trust around me. People with whom I know I will have fun with and who won't ditch me when I'm all passed out and throwing up in a gutter next to an empty street. I suppose, with me, security means everything. And if I feel even the least bit threatened, in social situations that I can't handle, then I withdraw. Into a deep convexed shell that cannot be cracked open.

And if that makes me a recluse, then so be it. I just can't be bothered doing the whole partying thing day in and day out. And there're times I wish I wasn't judged for being the person that I am. I'm different. I like long meaningful conversations over hot coffee. I'd choose never ending walks into the still of the night over social drinking sessions any time. And I hate conforming just to be accepted or to fit in. But I think the most prominent thing that sets me apart from the rest of the world is that I'm too obsessed with impressions. Too concerned about what goes on in the brain circuits of others when it comes to me. Too preoccupied with being liked and accepted. I have to learn how to not give a fuck. Just like everyone else does. If only I could do that, then this whole barrier will melt into nothingness.....

Nothing is ever easy. But nobody told me it would be this hard.