Conflicted
4:05 AM
Can you guys not be so lame? -AnonymousRachel
Maybe I'm being a bit too serious about this. A bit too concerned? Affected? Mildly paranoid. But what I feel like doing right now is getting one of those brown doggie bags and screaming swear words into it. Muffled swearing. To get things off what feels like an overly burdened chest. I am tired. And sleepy. And if there's one thing that's preventing me from pouncing into bed and falling into the deepest, and ironically, most turbulent sleep ever, it's this feeling. Some might call it peer pressure. Psychology calls it tendency to conform. I call it sheer terror. If only things were simpler. If only I were simpler.... If only I didn't give a fuck. (excuse the language, circumstances call for it)
Maybe I'm being a bit too serious about this. A bit too concerned? Affected? Mildly paranoid. But what I feel like doing right now is getting one of those brown doggie bags and screaming swear words into it. Muffled swearing. To get things off what feels like an overly burdened chest. I am tired. And sleepy. And if there's one thing that's preventing me from pouncing into bed and falling into the deepest, and ironically, most turbulent sleep ever, it's this feeling. Some might call it peer pressure. Psychology calls it tendency to conform. I call it sheer terror. If only things were simpler. If only I were simpler.... If only I didn't give a fuck. (excuse the language, circumstances call for it)
I shall not delve into details, for fear that you might think I'm some sort of a nut job too. The thing with being here, in Auckland, is I constantly find myself in conflict. What I want to do differs so much from what I need to do. And ever so often, I feel like I'm not making enough effort to fit in and find my place, at least amongst the people who live with me. It sucks like that, to be staying in a student residence. The fact that everyone loves to drink and be party animals and socialize over drunkenness. I get that it's fun and young and liberating to be thrown into such social situations. But I also know that I can only be in those social situations when there're people who I completely trust around me. People with whom I know I will have fun with and who won't ditch me when I'm all passed out and throwing up in a gutter next to an empty street. I suppose, with me, security means everything. And if I feel even the least bit threatened, in social situations that I can't handle, then I withdraw. Into a deep convexed shell that cannot be cracked open.
And if that makes me a recluse, then so be it. I just can't be bothered doing the whole partying thing day in and day out. And there're times I wish I wasn't judged for being the person that I am. I'm different. I like long meaningful conversations over hot coffee. I'd choose never ending walks into the still of the night over social drinking sessions any time. And I hate conforming just to be accepted or to fit in. But I think the most prominent thing that sets me apart from the rest of the world is that I'm too obsessed with impressions. Too concerned about what goes on in the brain circuits of others when it comes to me. Too preoccupied with being liked and accepted. I have to learn how to not give a fuck. Just like everyone else does. If only I could do that, then this whole barrier will melt into nothingness.....
Nothing is ever easy. But nobody told me it would be this hard.
In hindsight, apart from the shit that engulfed my spirits for a bit, today was an uber eventful day. Shall post up pictures tomorrow coz I am too sleepy to do it now. And AndrewVictimSupport is coming over tomorrow with my psych 207 textbooks. Happiness! =D
A hungry soul. And a thristy one. Late night remedy for both. =D Thanks Andrew for accompanying me to the music fest! And thanks Bobbie for listening to me rant endlessly over the phone. Was awesome to have finally spoken to you after ages. Here's to more hundred hour phone calls...
7 comments:
what turf... what is happeningggg!? email me laaaa I want to know!! T_T this sucks cos I can't just go over to your house for a swim and we can talk it over between laps... le-sigh.
will write to u abt it soon hopefully. altho i think i might've jst blown it outta proportion, thanks to my emoness. u can trust this drama queen to do tht. N i miss our swims too! =(
if you don't wanna drink then DON'T. No one can force you too. And if you don't wanna go out with ppl you don't trust, DON'T. I'm not sure how else to say it but it's basically your choice and no one else's.
power to you babe ;)
hey sher!
yea. I know. thing is, i kinda let people get to me. I need to stop thinking about wat others think...Power to me! hehehe
oh nonono don't mail leeza unless you're gonna FWD it to me too...just write it on in the sisterhood blog laaaa pweeeseeee
all those things that you don't like abt yourself..that makes you different...is what makes you YOU.it's what makes you Dme and it's what makes you my friend and i love youuuuu.
my left eyeball just fell out reading cassie's comment. sorry. it couldn't take the mushiness. LOL
email me email meeeeee then i'll just simplify everything to cassie on msn XD
dahahahah, Leeza! i would've thought so!
Aww! thanks cassie. I love u too! i just e mailed leez, i hope she tells u, altho, there's nothing much to tell also la. ;)
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