Change
9:24 AM
Once upon a time the world revolved around me. It still does sometimes. And as much as I'd like to deny it, it surfaces like gurgling bubbles to calm water most of the time, to some more than others. Akash and my mother to be more specific. It's like the closer I get to someone, the more my grandiose visions of myself take center stage. But before I let the narcissism take over yet again, I will stop myself bluntly. This post is not about me. It is about you. Although the you that I know will NEVER read this, what I seemingly assume to turn into a longg wordy post with few pictures and a suffocatingly confusing analysis of what I myself cannot be too sure of.
Desperate attempt to furbish my post. This was among the other images that I got when i googled narcissism.
Maybe narcissistic is not what you are. I read the symptoms and half of it doesn't meet the characteristics that you possess. I don't know what it is really. But I sure hope it's the teenage angst you're growing out of. There's so much that you do that I fail to understand. And sometimes I sit down and think of a solution but nothing comes to mind. I think it's because the both of us are too soft at heart to initiate harsher consequences. And who am I to initiate consequences when I have not established a superior life for myself?
In a way I think you have done ME some good if not anything else. Because looking at you this way, cheating your way through and feeding your greed without remorse has made me feel the need to change you. You will never listen to me. But I will give you one less thing to blame her for. Don't ever say that I glided by coz she favored me. I did not abuse the trust and from this day on, you have inspired me to work for myself. To go out and find my own means and not depend on her just coz she's there to give and give and give and to never take. It's high time really. What took me so long to get here, I don't know. I just have this sudden surge of confidence that I will somehow achieve what I have set in my gilded mind. I will find a job. I will excel in my studies and graduate as planned. And I will have enough time for my boyfriend, friends and for my involvements in uni. There're heaps of students doing it out there. The only thing that separates me from them is my mindset. And so my mindset is set to change.
You have helped see me through this. And with that, I would like to help you earn your conscience back. To fill that massive black hole with something other than irreversible schemes related to you. To make you live within your means and not take for granted things that we both have. Things that I used to take for granted until I went overseas and realized that not much comes easy. When I come back here, I feel like a queen sometimes. Food is put on the table, groceries are bought, clothes are washed and dried, bed is made most of the time not by me... And all that turns me into a bitch. Maybe if I stop and think about the love that lies behind all the very actions that turn me ignorant, I'd learn to appreciate again. We are all human and none of us do this on reflex. But the difference between you and me is I stop to think about stuff like these sometimes and you don't seem to.
I am not going to ask you "what's wrong with you?". Coz nothing is. I just wish that you'd grow out of this phase soon because I know that deep within that blemished exterior of yours lies an honestly awesome person with a heart of gold. Let that be my christmas, birthday and every-occassion-that-requires-presents wish this year and next year. Just change.
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