Lost
1:52 PM
Yesterday, when I got back home, I realized that I might have just stopped growing spiritually as a person. I am still God fearing in a humanely way but some things have just changed. Ashamed as I am to admit it, clasping my hand in prayer has become quite an effort. And even when I do turn towards Him, the same recitals are repeated almost too robotically and then regimented wishes are mumbled like I don't even mean it. I'd hate to imagine the person I have become if even 5 minutes of prayer seems to take great effort. Why has it become so difficult to confide in a greater being who created me and bestowed me with the survival instincts as I live and breathe to this day? Where in the past I did it willingly because of the abundant of rewards reaped from the belief in a higher being, I now do it out of guilt.
If you don't pray, God won't bless you and He will take away everything you ever owned and your happiness and He will strike you with a lightning and you and your family will be damned then.
Why do I still think like a child? These things have been engraved in our innocent minds eversince we were kids. If you're naughty, God punishes you. If you grow up to steal and become a murderer, then you will end up in hell. Does it really work that way at all? I can't believe I am about to quote Karl Marx here, but I will. Marx said religion is the opium of people. I find truth in it. Religion was created to keep society sane. To prevent us from running wild. We had to hold on to this belief that there was a greater good what with all the suffering that we witness everyday. I wish I could see the world again from the eyes of a child.... So many religions. So many different ways to praise God. So many different interpretations of who He is and how we ended up where we are.
It would take someone with spiritual strength to not question who was controlling the world and it's people like a puppet master in the skies. As of now, I haven't got that spiritual strength yet. I have many many questions. And I have the desire to grow and not bask in the stuntedness that has overidden my life of late. Coz when my beliefs become weaker, they are manifested in lies and other less than proud deeds which I do not wish to speak of here.
The good thing about all this is I am not afraid to be lost. Or to admit that I am. Just because there is so much to learn. I don't even know where to begin. Or how to. I'd have to start somewhere and I wish someone would guide me through the entire process. Someone who'd do it not merely for the sake of evangelism or with ulterior motives. But people only know so much and sooner or later I'd have to come to a decision. Axioms of choice. Haha. I think what I'm really wishing for is for God Himself to come down and lead me in the right direction.
Then again, we are all human. We get lost. We find our way... And that in itself is a reinforcement for spirituality. I wish to be able to finally see the changes unfold right before me when I reacquire the strength that I once possessed. I have faith that I will.
2 comments:
wow..that was interesting :) at some point, everybody questions. I've questioned for a long time now and what I've figured is the guidance isn't out there, it's in yourself. But that's just me. But it's ok to make mistakes, no matter how catastrophic and it's ok to get lost.
I suppose you have to find your own way. There isn't a right way or a wrong one really, just one that's unique to yourself. It may be completely meaningless to someone else but to you, it would mean absolutely everything.
I know I sound vague but I believe it's true. And getting into specifics will be like I said, meaningless for you.
I might not call God "God" but he/she/it is there even if you don't ask them or even want them to be there.
see ya dimi ;) shereen
hey shereen!
I'm glad u still read my blog. n thanks for the comment/advice. Understand what you're trying to tell me. Guess I've not found the guidance tht lies within me yet. Still too blind to be able to see it. But will get there some day. I just need to figure out a couple of things for myself first.
anyways, just so u know, I'm still in touch with your blog too! how's otago treating you?
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