Reality Check. Check...
6:00 AM
"You work at the Big G?" exclaimed a cheery Starbucks barista from behind the cash register after repeating my low fat, green tea sans syrup, sans whip cream frap order for the day.
Let's assume for a second that I have spent the last one and a half years working for a company called 'the Big G'. I am ultimately weary about mentioning any names at all on a public blog - forget freedom of speech. I hear that lawsuits are quite rampant these days.
"Yes! I do", I mirrored her interest and instantly I felt, what was it? - Pride? Could it have been? For the rest of the day, that seemed to be a defining moment for me. It was apparent. I was still proud of the Big G for the heart warming experiences and smiles that it brought to the faces of many despite battling my own demons with questions regarding its objectives and path a couple of years down the road.
People thought I was lucky for being a Big G employee for different reasons. Many gave me questioning incredulous looks when I divulged information about my wages. Some applauded the social circle I had the opportunity to mold with most part of my work allowing me the priviledge of meeting new people and not being bound to a desk. And others indeed found it to be a blessing because I did not have to battle a massive traffic congestion to get to and from work everyday. Yes. I was blessed for all these reasons and even more that the Big G had made possible.
So then it was even harder for me myself to fathom how I went from being a person who constantly questioned whether I was good enough for the job to someone who begun to question whether the job was good enough for me. Perhaps I went from being someone who was easily pleased to an ungrateful being. But the more logical answer, I would assume, is that I had outgrown certain things and had ultimately grown as a person. In no way was I a master of all trades just yet when it came to doing what I did, but as time evolved, I saw and heard things I wish I had not. Witnessed incidents that clashed with what I thought was the right purpose. And found that I had gone from helping people achieve their goals to helping myself achieve my own goals.
I found this realization to have made my job a little mechanical and routine. I saw less of a reason to put more soul into it and thus it progressed into a robotic trend. Every day I grapple with my own conscience. I try to find a needle in a haystack. One that will enable me to light up like a bulb and pour all my heart and soul and emotions into. But these rare needles sometimes do not bear the fruit that the Big G calls for and so all that is left to deal with is hay. Hay. More hay. Hay that we are so accustomed to that we jump through them like circus clowns, knowing exactly what to do.
I wonder if everyone discovers in their first jobs that the world is not such a pretty place after all. Yes. I have met some of the best people and made another serve of life long friendships. But some friendships come under the pretense of being hardy and sturdy only to falter abruptly once the goal of both parties are not aligned. I guess, as we grow older, people just spend less effort nurturing friendships because everyone has a million things running through their minds. Being the over sensitive person that I am, this is one reality in life that I have to learn how to deal with. Letting go. People come, people go. Best lesson learnt to date is to just make the most out of the present because no one ever knows when things are going to change. For better or for worse.
All is not bleak. There are many valuable lessons that I have learnt from my experience at the Big G. Interestingly, I find working has thought me a lot more about people and their behaviors than psychology at uni ever did. Every second of it is enlightening and every twist and turn brings me deeper and deeper into adulthood.
Strangely, I do not feel like I am alone in this journey. Everyone I know seems to have their own christening from a an innocent being with child like fantasies to a real adult with inner and outer demons to deal with. The experience may strip you off your confidence, put strange thoughts in your head and make you feel naked amidst a sea of eyes. At the end of the day, it's best to remember that you are stronger than any self help book will ever push you to become because you still wake up the next day and strive to mask all those thoughts and feelings under a blanket of hope.
And with hope comes so many beautiful things. Like the laughter in the eyes of the people you truly love and the moments that take your breath away.
Nothing ever lasts. Not the good. Neither the bad. So I would tell you to make the most out of it. But then again, I think you already know that.
xoxo
Let's assume for a second that I have spent the last one and a half years working for a company called 'the Big G'. I am ultimately weary about mentioning any names at all on a public blog - forget freedom of speech. I hear that lawsuits are quite rampant these days.
"Yes! I do", I mirrored her interest and instantly I felt, what was it? - Pride? Could it have been? For the rest of the day, that seemed to be a defining moment for me. It was apparent. I was still proud of the Big G for the heart warming experiences and smiles that it brought to the faces of many despite battling my own demons with questions regarding its objectives and path a couple of years down the road.
People thought I was lucky for being a Big G employee for different reasons. Many gave me questioning incredulous looks when I divulged information about my wages. Some applauded the social circle I had the opportunity to mold with most part of my work allowing me the priviledge of meeting new people and not being bound to a desk. And others indeed found it to be a blessing because I did not have to battle a massive traffic congestion to get to and from work everyday. Yes. I was blessed for all these reasons and even more that the Big G had made possible.
So then it was even harder for me myself to fathom how I went from being a person who constantly questioned whether I was good enough for the job to someone who begun to question whether the job was good enough for me. Perhaps I went from being someone who was easily pleased to an ungrateful being. But the more logical answer, I would assume, is that I had outgrown certain things and had ultimately grown as a person. In no way was I a master of all trades just yet when it came to doing what I did, but as time evolved, I saw and heard things I wish I had not. Witnessed incidents that clashed with what I thought was the right purpose. And found that I had gone from helping people achieve their goals to helping myself achieve my own goals.
I found this realization to have made my job a little mechanical and routine. I saw less of a reason to put more soul into it and thus it progressed into a robotic trend. Every day I grapple with my own conscience. I try to find a needle in a haystack. One that will enable me to light up like a bulb and pour all my heart and soul and emotions into. But these rare needles sometimes do not bear the fruit that the Big G calls for and so all that is left to deal with is hay. Hay. More hay. Hay that we are so accustomed to that we jump through them like circus clowns, knowing exactly what to do.
I wonder if everyone discovers in their first jobs that the world is not such a pretty place after all. Yes. I have met some of the best people and made another serve of life long friendships. But some friendships come under the pretense of being hardy and sturdy only to falter abruptly once the goal of both parties are not aligned. I guess, as we grow older, people just spend less effort nurturing friendships because everyone has a million things running through their minds. Being the over sensitive person that I am, this is one reality in life that I have to learn how to deal with. Letting go. People come, people go. Best lesson learnt to date is to just make the most out of the present because no one ever knows when things are going to change. For better or for worse.
All is not bleak. There are many valuable lessons that I have learnt from my experience at the Big G. Interestingly, I find working has thought me a lot more about people and their behaviors than psychology at uni ever did. Every second of it is enlightening and every twist and turn brings me deeper and deeper into adulthood.
Strangely, I do not feel like I am alone in this journey. Everyone I know seems to have their own christening from a an innocent being with child like fantasies to a real adult with inner and outer demons to deal with. The experience may strip you off your confidence, put strange thoughts in your head and make you feel naked amidst a sea of eyes. At the end of the day, it's best to remember that you are stronger than any self help book will ever push you to become because you still wake up the next day and strive to mask all those thoughts and feelings under a blanket of hope.
And with hope comes so many beautiful things. Like the laughter in the eyes of the people you truly love and the moments that take your breath away.
Nothing ever lasts. Not the good. Neither the bad. So I would tell you to make the most out of it. But then again, I think you already know that.
xoxo
