Bridging Fantasy & Reality

It should be illegal to be this happy. It feels scary to feel this safe. Perfection is overrated. It makes me wonder when the antagonist will jump out from it's hiding and bring with it a ruckus. Right now, I feel like a gigantic hypocrite. For doing all those things that couples do that I used to cringe at. I feel like a hypocrite for saying that trust comes at a hefty price. It used to.

I guess happiness really does await all of us. The big of us, the small of us... All you have to do it is wait. And seek. And never give up. This has to some extent renewed my spiritual faith. Eversince speaking to mumzo, I have been forced by the bf to take off two minutes everyday to pray =O. Hardly feels like an effort.

All that's on my mind right now is the finals. And this one last assignment that's sucking the life outta me.

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It's amazing how news spreads like wild fire. Just a day after I told Akash my final verdict, people already knew that we were giving this a shot. I suppose it was my fault for putting up pictures on my blog a tad too quickly. What was I thinking yo? The World Wide Web! LOL. But then again, my blog has always been faithfully visited by my nearest and dearest in Malaysia, so to leave them out of such significant news on my part would be just not fair. After all, I already fail at keeping in touch pretty badly....

Anyway, I can't help myself. My hands almost itch to upload more pictures. And I think I am bound to find it a bigger feat as time goes by, coz unlike most guys, he loves taking pictures as much as I do!!!! What do u get when u put two camwhores in a pod? - one VERY exhausted camera!

Nothing feels different though. Apart from the fact that I'm happy

and I can finally walk down a street with my hand clasped in that of another and not feel weird/awkward/
guilty. Everything else remains pretty much the same. I still have assignments due. The trepid instincts to study still hypnotizes my conscience more often than not with only three weeks left for finals!

O gosh. How I long for more free time. But so does everyone. There is never enough time in the world to go around....

Just a matter of time before my head gets displaced from the clouds (I wish it wouldn't!!!). Reality has somewhat begun to settle. Until then, I just urge that you be patient with the whims and fancies that unfold within this blog.

Just had to put that one up coz he looks adorable! -------------->(he's bending down n i m tiptoeing!!!!)
I made him give me the lyrics of the song he wrote me and I'm putting it up here coz I think it's awfully cuuuuute! Laugh at my expense. Really. Heh.

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"so really. why do you care so much, I've lived this way all my life, I'm used to not having anybody around to care"

"I don't HAVE to care. I just want to. Because you're you"

I'm just this love sick child right now. Give me some allowance to let my head float within the clouds. I've not given him the final verdict yet. But he makes me happy. I think this one's here to stayyyyyy.

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What is wrong with me?

Today was probably one of THE best days ever. I am as of now, officially the secretary of UMSA 2010 which means my campaign was effective and my presentation went smoothly. Thanks to everyone who came for the Annual General Meeting to vote. Big twist in the Top 4 results with Jack making it as the treasurer but I did not have as much of a problem with it as Jie Huei did. Hopefully, everything works out well and we will all be able to sort out our differences in order to maintain peace in the club.

But the real reason for it being one of the best was coz I'd never experienced such immaculate romance all at one go. I got a rose today. A single red rose (cue picture) in the sweetest way possible. It was all so unexpected. How I got picked up coz it was raining bullock carts, and then serenaded with a song written just for me in slow strums of a guitar in the background. It's hard to remain discrete about these things. Especially if it's a stare-in-your-face sort of romance that's either dead or overrated in this modern era.

I don't know what's wrong with me. I'm just always never too sure. Always doubting. Unable to come up with answers. Well. All i will say is the past four weeks have been one helluva adventure. Let's just hope this one sticks around for the aftermath.

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I've heard one too many times that you have the time of your lives at uni. And despite the immense stress that comes with it, the multitude of confusion, the assignments that grind you to the ground, the tests that makes your adrenaline rush more than a bungy jump ever would, I am beginning to agree. My life has never been so fulfilling. Coz amidst all that haste, there's a sense of belonging that fills me up with happiness. A purpose that drives me. Mornings to look forward to. An appreciation felt within unlike any other. Compared to my first year, my second year at Auckland uni has improved by leaps and bounds. My social network has widened seamlessly and my confidence has surpassed it's original threshold.

I have many people to thank. Many avenues to be grateful for. Friends to be appreciative of. Coz as of now, I am in a very happy place. And I know being here is transient, this phase may only be a temporary one in my many many phases. But right at this very moment, I am grateful to be here.

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Been feeling a little..............


Yesterday, when I got back home, I realized that I might have just stopped growing spiritually as a person. I am still God fearing in a humanely way but some things have just changed. Ashamed as I am to admit it, clasping my hand in prayer has become quite an effort. And even when I do turn towards Him, the same recitals are repeated almost too robotically and then regimented wishes are mumbled like I don't even mean it. I'd hate to imagine the person I have become if even 5 minutes of prayer seems to take great effort. Why has it become so difficult to confide in a greater being who created me and bestowed me with the survival instincts as I live and breathe to this day? Where in the past I did it willingly because of the abundant of rewards reaped from the belief in a higher being, I now do it out of guilt.

If you don't pray, God won't bless you and He will take away everything you ever owned and your happiness and He will strike you with a lightning and you and your family will be damned then.

Why do I still think like a child? These things have been engraved in our innocent minds eversince we were kids. If you're naughty, God punishes you. If you grow up to steal and become a murderer, then you will end up in hell. Does it really work that way at all? I can't believe I am about to quote Karl Marx here, but I will. Marx said religion is the opium of people. I find truth in it. Religion was created to keep society sane. To prevent us from running wild. We had to hold on to this belief that there was a greater good what with all the suffering that we witness everyday. I wish I could see the world again from the eyes of a child.... So many religions. So many different ways to praise God. So many different interpretations of who He is and how we ended up where we are.

It would take someone with spiritual strength to not question who was controlling the world and it's people like a puppet master in the skies. As of now, I haven't got that spiritual strength yet. I have many many questions. And I have the desire to grow and not bask in the stuntedness that has overidden my life of late. Coz when my beliefs become weaker, they are manifested in lies and other less than proud deeds which I do not wish to speak of here.

The good thing about all this is I am not afraid to be lost. Or to admit that I am. Just because there is so much to learn. I don't even know where to begin. Or how to. I'd have to start somewhere and I wish someone would guide me through the entire process. Someone who'd do it not merely for the sake of evangelism or with ulterior motives. But people only know so much and sooner or later I'd have to come to a decision. Axioms of choice. Haha. I think what I'm really wishing for is for God Himself to come down and lead me in the right direction.

Then again, we are all human. We get lost. We find our way... And that in itself is a reinforcement for spirituality. I wish to be able to finally see the changes unfold right before me when I reacquire the strength that I once possessed. I have faith that I will.

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