Bridging Fantasy & Reality

Some ball pictures that I sneaked in... others are up on Facebook....





I spoke the truth to someone I love today. It doesn't matter what the truth is or the consequences. The liberating feeling is all that matters. That you no longer carry the burden of the silly awkwardness that lingers situation after situation, time after time.

I notice with time that I keep discovering all the things that I don't want in life. Why is it then that it's so hard to discover the things that I actually do want? Do I have to slash out all the options on my list until one prominent one prevails?

I feel like I'm in desperate need of close girl friends. I need that sort of an intimacy right now.

I wish I had more inspiration to write yet another 2 3000 worded essays this break. I feel robbed off my break. What's the point when there're irritating thoughts of assignments lurking within the mind?

The ball just passed. And after all those practices and dances and planning, there's an anti climatic feel in the air. The ball went superb, perhaps the most successful one thus far so why this feeling?

I miss something. But I don't know what that is right now. I can't pinpoint. I just know I miss it.

I feel like breaking free. Sitting under a coconut tree in the warm sun and zoning out would be ideal. Getting away.

I feel like I could try harder. But I just couldn't be bothered right now.

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I feel New. For some reason. Weird.

I have an Economics assignment due today. For the first time I feel like it was all my effort and not that of the study group that I am in.

The ball is tomorrow! TOMORROW!! Everything that we've been working towards ends tomorrow. Happy? Sad? What am I supposed to feel for this, potentially, last ball ever? The only ball that I will be attending with an official date. The only ball that I'm obligated to dance/sing/act for all three at once. All the practices that made my calves hurt. The dance moves that I never thought I could pick up, picked up. A ball dress size I never thought I could fit, fitted. A table I never thought I could fill, filled. Akash is hiring a pilot outifit. LOL. Cute!! Tomorrow better be a day worth of all its frustrations.

I can't wait for the break. The ball will be like an opening ceremony to it.

I don't know if I should go back to gyming like how I used to. It's so weird how I've stopped (Well, not totally, i go every now and then), and people are telling me that I'm losing weight. I've always been skeptical about weight loss when it comes to me. But perhaps I have, not too drastically. And this is on top of the fact that Akash feeds me chocolates, heaps. I think it's perhaps coz I'm more tuned to my hunger now. I can actually tell when I'm really hungry and when I'm just craving for something for the fun of it.

I love all these little loopholes. <3. I hate how this is potentially my last semester in uni. I love how it's getting to spring.

ps: my house mate gave me chocolate body paint. =D

signing off

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I should get rambling before I become way to busy to blog again. Sprawled on my to-do list is already a good number of things to do. The semester started this week. Three days into it and I've not done much apart from catching up with old friends and trying to get my enrolment settled. Thankfully, I am feeling ALOT better from perhaps a month ago. I recognize the familiar zest for life that I used to possess. Maybe it's just a hint of what the full blown zest is on normal levels, but even hints are a blessing at this point.

I'm enrolled in neuroscience, gender pyschology, public economics and international business as a gen ed paper this semester. Am finding gender psych particularly interesting coz of it's content and public economics interesting coz of the lecturer. Still a little iffy about neuroscience coz it contains a lot of neuroimaging and neurodegenerative disease content and it's apparently a very mentally taxing paper but I am pretty positive that I will do moderately well in that paper. And international business seems a little dry to me, sadly, so i might switch to physics as a gen ed. Ah well, time will tell.

On to more interesting stuff. I rediscovered my love for some things during the winter break. Things that I lost touch with when everything seemed hectic and rushed and when I was seemingly in a frenzy of worries and deadlines. It really is weird how the simplest things that are familiar can make you feel like a whole different person. Sometimes I think I don't know myself well enough, my limitations, strengths, how to make the burdens of a hundred acres lift off my shoulders. Mine is a life of constantly underestimating my strengths, overestimating my limitations and ignoring the little things that bring a smile to my face. I think I owe it to myself sometimes to take some time off and rediscover the world and myself in a different light. And thankfully I have many good friends to do it with and mummy and Akash to constantly remind me to see my glass as half full instead of half empty.


Took me the whole of the first semester to realize that the number of hours I spent with Melitta this year was miniscule compared to last year. And that was something I missed dearly and did not realize in the haste of many things. I miss having girly gossips with a good girlfriend. Talking for ages about other people and how they were with this person or that person and what happened there and with who and how. Cooking together. Wedging ourselves infront of the tv together. I miss all that. It seems like this year I conveniently left all that out to compensate for other things. Where I used to have Leeza, Joanna, Cassie, Melitta, this year I was deprived. But a plan will be executed now that this realization has settled in. I'm all set for zumba with Melzers and Kailas every Fridays and Saturdays and that'll settle my appetite for a girly rush hopefully.


I miss taking pictures like these. Moments when you feel you just have to stop to capture the scene that lies before you, well in this case, above you.

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This blog needs some love, especially from the guy that this girl loves the most. I can see that she does not blog that often but then i say its my fault too because i steal all her blogging time. I do not blog that much because i dont know what to write and yea i have ran out of words. So meh!
adios for now! i shall return with some good stories soon to bring this blog back in business!
PEaCe

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tomorrow and tomorrow and tomorrow......

neglected. one way to describe this blog of mine within all the 'tomorrows'. I think the reason I have been putting off writing is coz confrontation is scary. Blogging is a face off with reality. Makes you think about what happens in your days and months before you leave your little notes down for people to read and perhaps judge (or perhaps not)... The last few months have been pretty scary for me. Scary to the point that I felt like all four walls were caving down on me, driving me nauseously into a state of depression.. crying seemed more like eating, something i just had to do to get by and eating was more like piecing a jigsaw puzzle together, putting the right ingredients into a mindful ten minutes so that an uncomfortable feeling did not ride up my rectum the next morning.

I have to admit that the days leading up to surgery (performed on the abscess that developed from a cured fissure) was scarier than the surgery itself. Exam stress exacerbated even an inkling of anxiety. I was sitting for my third paper when i found that the curiosity of what might be ate away at my nerves and turned my focus away from studies. Antibiotics were making me tired to walk what more to do anything else. I'm glad that all that has passed right now. What remains is a mild bout of flatulence from the lactulose that I've had to take and a fading throbbing pain in my rectum. I'm not sure if anyone can relate to me at this point. But you don't have to. Just like every other story that we read as kids up until now, we see the characters in tumultuous episode after episode and at the end, when the dust settles, there is a moral, an anecdote if you like. It was pretty easy for me to take things for granted living abroad. When you can only really rely on yourself to take care of yourself and feel and interpret every little pain by yourself.... If you feel something is wrong, go to the doctor. Don't put it off. I was pretty lucky that I was urged to go to one and a further google article just scared the living daylights out of me. But as I was saying, intuition is pretty vital everything else comes second to good health.

Worked for Incredible Science at uni two days ago. I expected to have the most boring time of my life so clearly, I was only in it for the money. But every single aspect of the day took me by surprise... from the awful morning weather to the people and my job. I was assigned to be the photographers assistant throughout the day. Godfrey (the photographer) greeted me cheerfully when we were introduced at the start but I still held the stereotyped that he was yet another middle aged kiwi man who I would have communication problems with several times during the span of the day. Boy was I wrong. Our work chemistry was incredible.... Unlike the other student workers who were destined to usher and open doors or sit at booths, I was given the opportunity to take pictures (even though i wasn't meant to), have coffee and a nice chat with Godfrey and walk around the university and watch almost every other show that was held. I think I even had the better job compared to Akash who was getting paid more for being the packdown manager and student manager overall, technically he was my boss for the day. At the end of the day, and this might seem a little peculiar as it did to me, Godfrey sat me down and he told me that he saw a rather inspirational future for me, where I would stand in front of 500 odd people with a talent, but he said first there would be much despair in my life. He also said that my eyes, were full of love (when i told sukhi this, she said all she saw was smears of eyeliner.... LOL) and it was pretty tell all, but he did guess that Akash and I were a couple... I think I'd remember Godfrey, the devout Christian photographer and the funny conversations we had for a long time.

So now, on to the fun stuff that's been happening this winter break....

1. Celebrated Shani's bday at Monsoon Poon last last Friday. I thought the food was yum and the cake was even yummier but the rest didn't think so. Went clubbing after that at Carpark which i would deem better than most other clubs here...



2. I wore a saree for the very first time ever.... this was at Shanika's second 21st bday party which she had at her place. her sister let me use her saree and her mother assisted with tying the saree. Bright blue isn't really my colour, but oh well....

3. And finally, I decided that I could do with a new hairstyle yesterday. So i've chopped my tresses and cut a fringe. And surprisingly, I don't seem to miss all that hair....

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I think my study life is eating my social life to crumbs. Thus far, I have missed out on a rugby game with tickets going for cheap (you can't say u've stayed in NZ til you've been to a rugby match), but that was not really all to do with studying either. I've missed out on UMSA day out. I've missed out on drinks and a night out with my housemate and her workmates. Everytime there's a social planned, I frantically search in my head for some sort of excuse to come up with just so I can fit in yet another hour of study. Although it comforts me that what I'm doing is not normative of my attitude when all the studying bits are subtracted from my equation of life, it is still quite unsettling that I do not see some of my friends as much I want to. =(

In the next couple of weeks, I have a International Finance test, two 1000 word reports due and an essay on non normative group behavior due on the same day as my financial economics assignment. I think I've got a plan sussed out. But sometimes plans only remain plans. The difference is, this time I am determined to get it to work.

Even more so unsettling is my dropped affinity for the gym. It's getting boring to do the treadmill routine. And it's a pity that I didn't bring my swimsuit and have not had the time to go get one (honestly, I need to shop. I've not been shopping since i landed in NZ!). The effect? These days I make it to the gym approximately three times a week. Once I get a swimsuit, I will go swim. I've joined the futsal team playing at BERSATU games coz team sports gives me more to look forward to. And if all goes well I will be hitting the uni gym for Zumba classes with Kailas and Melitta this week on wards. A little spicing up in routine is exactly what I need.

Started my mentoring last Friday with two lovely girls at Ponsonby intermediate school. The session was really short but I got to know them on a moderate level. Coincidently, one of the girls' names was Dimi. Imagine that. I've lived my life all this while not knowing another Dimi and then I meet this young girl who I am supposed to mentor and her name is Dimi! I look forward to more mentoring sessions....

I am becoming more and more broke each day, and since I don't shop I honestly wonder where the money is going. I guess it's predominantly rent, social stuff and food that I pay for. Haven't heard from my jobs in yonks. Wonder if the company is even nailing any events. rawr. oh well. 5 minutes out. Need to shower and get set for uni.

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