Saturday, March 7, 2009

WeekendBeacon

1:16 PM

Apologies for the previous post. Was feeling agitated and needed to rant. But everything's good again. I just hate it when I am made to feel guilty for the decisions I make. It makes it that much harder to stand by them. Anyways, the first week of uni was pretty hectic even though tutorials and labs were only scheduled to start this coming week. Pretty dreadful just thinking about how the next few weeks are going to turn out. Considering I spent the last few months of my summer lazing and spending money and doing nothing much else, this change should be a welcomed one. Pfft! Hardly.

Saturday was perhaps the busiest day of the entire week. As ironic as it seems. My weekends are never going to be ones of rest..... Some pictures to grace your perusal.


Started off the day by walking to uni bright and early for the UMSA orientation barbeque. I thought the turn up was pretty disappointing compared to last year but oh well...... This was my group. Energetic and clearly different in all ways you can think off. I can only hope that they thought I was a good enough team leader coz I kept pushing them, albeit in a gentle manner, the weather was almost too killer to 'be pushed in'.


What the committee had in store for them this year was a scavenger hunt where each team was given a list of 60 items that they had to find and take pictures with and a time limit. So we set off from uni down to the city center and Britomart and back up to the domain.... One of the 'items' required was a kiwi.... And this new zealander (kiwi) was super weirded out when we approaced him for a picture. But he obliged.... =D

I think this shot of them is super adorable... the florist was kind enough to let us take a picture with the flower... Tuan (the guy with his eyes closed) was my helper. Or more accurately my personal GPS...


We ran all the way from Britomart to the domain in the last fifteen minutes. It was SUPER tiring. And the sun was giving the lot of us no mercy what so ever.... Up at the duck pond, though, the committee had prepared a nice barbeque lunch for the freshies. And despite our very own growling tummies, we had to cater to the members first. So there I was, chucking fat lamb sausages into buttered bread slices that Jie Huei prepared. This picture (with Kien Seng ruining it in the background) was taken after healthy appetites were appeased. Naomi (UMSA president) and me!


Here's Jun Yan and myself, being all patriotic.........


....or not!


And a group shot of some of the odd 300 who had signed up at our booth.... Spot me!

I was so tired when I got back. Tired and tanned. Burnt. I am officially THE black sheep. Anywho, Melitta and I realized we had run outta groceries for the week so we walked down to Lim Chour to restock on vegies and fruits and then walked over to Newmarket for our dry food stock. Yep. Wet food's cheaper in the Asian supermarkets but the dry ones are marked down in the supermarkets. So the extra walks were worth it in order to save.


hehe, cute eh? Quenching her thirst with a chocolate shake.......


I went for a yummy banana shake instead.

Later at night, while Mel lost herself amidst the toga wearing residents, I decided to go to the music festival in the city instead. Coz I don't fancy wearing my bedspreads and nothing much else. And also coz I wasn't feeling the alcohol vibes. Yea. Sorry la. I'm too cultured. So piss off and get off my case! (not addressed to anyone in particular. Just to that tiny voice shreaking 'LOSER, double LOSER' in the back of my mind....) Thankfully, Andrew was free and agreed to go with me! So back to the city we headed.

The little stalls that lined the city that night...
Auckland festival! Good music. Ok turn up. Better weather....

Andrew. He brought his DSL camera and tripod and all the camera jargon. LOL.

This was during the performance.

Random picture of the stalls set up at the corner....

I really wanted some of these badges coz they had all these witty statements written on them. But I refrained from buying any... Will power. Denying myself tiny pleasures is becoming increasingly simpler.

(picture sequences from this point on wards are majorly screwed up, spare me some toleration....)

Andrew and I decided to walk to the viaduct after the music ceased... It was a pretty long walk, but hey, who's complaining? ;)

All the boats parked by the harbour..

The viaduct is possibly the busiest on Saturdays. Particularly coz all the night clubs in Auckland are situated there...

I saw this cruise ship parked there and just had to take a picture of it. I wanna gooo!

The crossroads on Queen Street on a saturday night....

This was taken near IMAX where the music festival was held.... I think they were having some sorta show in that tent.

And then Andrew and I walked to this place that I had never been to before near the viaduct. It was where all the high class apartments were situated. And the view was amazing! I think this is possibly the best view of the sky tower that I have seen to date..... Was nice to just sit down and chill there for a bit while he took panoramic shots on his DSL.

Erm. Yea. Photographers. And their antics.... I took a few pictures with him, but it's all in his DSL.... =( Hence, I can't load them up here....

Andrew taught me how to take a picture with a reflection in the water.... Pretty yes?

This was the upper class area where all the rich people with boats live.... see what money can do. Screw cars, boats are so in these days...

me at the dock.... =)
and with that, i shall be signing off.......

Conflicted

4:05 AM

Can you guys not be so lame? -AnonymousRachel

Maybe I'm being a bit too serious about this. A bit too concerned? Affected? Mildly paranoid. But what I feel like doing right now is getting one of those brown doggie bags and screaming swear words into it. Muffled swearing. To get things off what feels like an overly burdened chest. I am tired. And sleepy. And if there's one thing that's preventing me from pouncing into bed and falling into the deepest, and ironically, most turbulent sleep ever, it's this feeling. Some might call it peer pressure. Psychology calls it tendency to conform. I call it sheer terror. If only things were simpler. If only I were simpler.... If only I didn't give a fuck. (excuse the language, circumstances call for it)
I shall not delve into details, for fear that you might think I'm some sort of a nut job too. The thing with being here, in Auckland, is I constantly find myself in conflict. What I want to do differs so much from what I need to do. And ever so often, I feel like I'm not making enough effort to fit in and find my place, at least amongst the people who live with me. It sucks like that, to be staying in a student residence. The fact that everyone loves to drink and be party animals and socialize over drunkenness. I get that it's fun and young and liberating to be thrown into such social situations. But I also know that I can only be in those social situations when there're people who I completely trust around me. People with whom I know I will have fun with and who won't ditch me when I'm all passed out and throwing up in a gutter next to an empty street. I suppose, with me, security means everything. And if I feel even the least bit threatened, in social situations that I can't handle, then I withdraw. Into a deep convexed shell that cannot be cracked open.
And if that makes me a recluse, then so be it. I just can't be bothered doing the whole partying thing day in and day out. And there're times I wish I wasn't judged for being the person that I am. I'm different. I like long meaningful conversations over hot coffee. I'd choose never ending walks into the still of the night over social drinking sessions any time. And I hate conforming just to be accepted or to fit in. But I think the most prominent thing that sets me apart from the rest of the world is that I'm too obsessed with impressions. Too concerned about what goes on in the brain circuits of others when it comes to me. Too preoccupied with being liked and accepted. I have to learn how to not give a fuck. Just like everyone else does. If only I could do that, then this whole barrier will melt into nothingness.....
Nothing is ever easy. But nobody told me it would be this hard.

In hindsight, apart from the shit that engulfed my spirits for a bit, today was an uber eventful day. Shall post up pictures tomorrow coz I am too sleepy to do it now. And AndrewVictimSupport is coming over tomorrow with my psych 207 textbooks. Happiness! =D

A hungry soul. And a thristy one. Late night remedy for both. =D Thanks Andrew for accompanying me to the music fest! And thanks Bobbie for listening to me rant endlessly over the phone. Was awesome to have finally spoken to you after ages. Here's to more hundred hour phone calls...

Wednesday, March 4, 2009

More Blessings

12:38 AM

Today was a good day. In terms of text book acquisition and saving money =D

I am SO grateful. I bumped into Andrew Yee who does Victim Support with me in uni during Orientation week and he agreed to loan me his psych 207 text book for the entire semester! Which means I don't have to buy Cervone and errr..... in order to study Theories of Personality and Development. Joy! And then while I was scouring the library for cheap textbooks notices that students normally put up when they don't need their textbooks any more, I remembered that Fran did sociology 100. So I sent her a text message and she agreed to let me use her textbook for the entire semester as well!! double Joyy!!!!

I also managed to find two people who were selling their Biopsych textbooks at cheaper prices than the uni bookstore. The first person who texted me was selling it for NZD 70 but the second person was selling it at NZD 50 and I jumped at the chance to save 2o dollars. Ah. All these blessings. I feel lucky.

Just had to blog about it. Apart from these incidents, my day was hectic. Had classes all the way from 8 am to 2 pm. Lecture after lecture. some more interesting and thought provoking than others. Now I'm just tired. And need to squeeze in another study hour or so.

Been living a life of non procrastination. The most awesome road I've embarked on yet....

Tuesday, March 3, 2009

Another Chapter Unfolds

1:38 AM

Kia Ora!!! reporting all the way from Auckland, again...

Yes. I am back in this far fetched land where sheep dominates 3/4th of the population and where butter and cheese should be avoided at all cost if you're trying to shave off pounds. New Zealand. My temporary settlement.

Can't believe it's been a week already!! feels like I just landed a minute ago and now here I am, all settled into my room (which towers above the turbulent construction 9 floors below)... Am on the 9th floor. Room 917 to be precise. My view is much better than the one I had last year. I can see the entire span of the Grafton bridge. Dissapointing that the entire thing is still under road works which is expected to finish a year from now. I personally think that it'll only be done when I graduate with my degrees. Let's hope Auckland's not thaaat slow paced now, shall we?

Anyways, before I move on to more important matters, some shout outs....


This was taken at the airport, a couple of hours before my departure. Me and my most favorite senior citizen! Lurve you gutsy, cutesy patti!


and this God awful picture was taken by my rather shaky hand just outside McD, where everyone goes to have their celebratory departure meal. I guess a Happy Meal always comes in handy when one is sad....and surrounded by equally sad people.....


I like this picture!!! both mother and daughter look flattering =D Missing you already mumsy!!!


That's the view of the Grafton Bridge from my room on a very wet day. It poured donkeys on the 2nd day of my return..... But all for the better, I had time to unpack. I actually don't remember having a moment where i had to think of something to do ever since I got back. It was all a mad rush as soon as I stepped off the plane.


Anyways, guess who I met on the plane?? Darling Rinie!! We were sitting pretty far from each other. I got chucked beside a chap from India who seemed overwhelmingly puzzled when it came to seat numbers. All I was concerned about was avoiding my head from smashing into his collar bone when I fell asleep. Hence, I curved my spine in a very peculiar position, propped my pillow against the windowless wall by the side of me and hovered the entire time. There weren't even good in house movies to watch!!! It was so freakin disappointing. And I skipped the dinner meal that they were offering on the plane coz it was already SO late at night! I suppose, I didn't make full use of the money that went into the flight fare. Thankfully, Rinie introduced me to the shuttle services available there and we headed into the city together. Otherwise, I would've prolly been scammed by one of the taxi uncles. I think they still use the 'pengkhususan' technique here. This fact is derived from the observation that most taxi uncles hail from India.... or Sri Lanka.....


And then when I got into Huia, I discovered I had been placed on the 9th floor which coincidently collided with Melitta's placement. And Mel's probably one of my bestest friends here. See how God has all these little miracles in store for us. I was overjoyed. Needless to say, I spent the entire afternoon catching up with her and her friend, Neta. And then in the evening I headed out for dinner with Kalpa at Selera in Newmarket. Yup. It's a Malaysian restaurant. Melitta and I spent the whole of Saturday running errands in the city. Thankfully, the weather was good and I managed to snag myself an admirer. =D There'll be no mystery if I tell you everything so my lips are sealed. At least for now....


Mel and I were supposed to go for the Huia cocktail party on saturday night, which apparently turned out to be a bummer runner, but she had some other concert to attend so I skimped out on it and decided to pay a visit to the new residence of the three musketeers. This is Tuan's place at 96 along Symonds Street, also known as the Malaysian Headquarters. Infested with Malaysians from all walks of life. I think it's pretty homey and comfy. Definitely one to consider. And since they have washing machines and driers, I can stop paying NZD 4 to use the ones at Huia and just utilize theirs. And I'm pretty sure that I'm more than welcomed to watch shows on their fabulous tv and sleepover. hehehe. Alan agreed to give up his room for Me!! wheee! these guys just love me! hahahhah. wait til they see that!


The view of Symonds Street from Tuan's balcony.... sorry for the poor picture quality, my camera was uncharged so I had to rely on my cell phone...


Ah. My favorite musketeers. Tuan has started kutuk-ing me more than usual ever since I got back. Vim's always indifferent. Even if I begged him to take sides and support me instead of Tuan, he would do no such thing. I think he secretly lives in the world of DOTA.... shhh. And Alan. Cunning and thoughtful all and deeply engrossed with rocks all at the same time.


I don't know why i took this.Or why my mouth is contorted as such. But i think there was an ad airing while were watching a movie featuring Dwayne 'The Rock' Johnson at their place.

LOL. I just realized how silly I look when I'm watching tv......

Anyways, Leez, guess what I saw when I was walking past the Quad at uni? This! Just as you're leaving, I might actually be re entering the world of fellowship through service. Su Lyn and I will be attending the meeting tomorrow. Just to skim the waters before the plunge.... AND OMG!! I just realized that the meeting's actually NEXt wed!! thank God i uploaded this picture. else the both of us would've looked like total nut jobs...

Attended the very first UMSA meeting and stall duty on Monday at the engineering cafe. This is what bored engineering students do with tasteless uni mags. creativity in the realm of boredom. You gotta give it to them. Anyhowza, was nice to see the committee again. I think we;re gonna be a pretty tight bunch this year considering the amount of work we need to do as a group. The first event of the year kicks off on Saturday. The orientation BBQ where I can gladly feast my eyes on freshies. Do you know how awesome it is NOT to be a freshie this time? SO awesome! heavenly!! I was assigned the position of team leader for one of the teams and we're doing a scavenger hunt sorta thing. So my saturday morning will be spent running around the city, scavenging the streets for stuff I have yet to find out about..... FUN!! pfft!

Later at night we dropped by Angie's Kitchen for dinner where I paid NZD 8 for roti freaking canai n curry!!! I had a craving, thanks to those regular Lotus outings with Leeza after our morning swims.... Sigh. Neveragain. I am saving big time this year. I've swapped my usual milo for green tea, i am going to be thick faced and start doin free laundry at alan's place, i am not taking the bus, EVER! I am super scrimping on groceries, I'm using other people's washing liquid left on the sink at the Huia communal kitchen..... =P Pictured above is ASIA rep, Jie Huei with her sago dessert thingy....

I think I've signed myself up for a bit TOO much this semester. But that's fine.I like to keep busy. I need to keep busy. I'm doing 5 papers this semester. 2 psych papers - Biopsych and Theories of Personality and Development. 2 econs papers - macroecons stage 2 and game theory and app. And a sociology paper.... It sounds a bit intimidating now that it's set out like that. But i guess it's all about time management. Sigh. The things i do to spend another wild summer with you guys!!! LOL. My volunteer work is kicking off this thursday. I already have all my Victim Support information pamphlets up on my buletin. In fact, the entire buletin is dedicated to VS. And my UMSA commitments are only gonna get more intense from here on forth. Also, the Starship childrens hospital lady got in touch with me and an interview is pending. And on top of that, I think i might just work this semester. Coz the gym that I go to is looking for a receptionist to be at the reception from 6 am to 9 am, and since I am free at that time aneeeway, i might just do it a few days a week! Earning my own money would be a dream come true. But we'll see. I hardly want to suffer from a burnout.... Mumsy, what do u think eh?
It's getting late, and I need to sleep... Early classes tomorrow. Hope I managed to catch you up with the stuff that's going on here. Somewhat. owh. n the new layout rocks right? THANKS LEEZ!!!
up next : pictures of my pimped up room. stay tuned!!!

Monday, February 23, 2009

A different kind

4:46 PM

I had to say the saddest goodbye yesterday. I'd understand if most of you cannot comprehend. After all. You've probably been in my life longer, especially if you're reading this right now. So why was this goodbye different from the amicable ones that I am sure to have with the majority of you?

It's coz the one I had yesterday was filled with uncertainty. And the ones that I usually have are more likely to be filled with security. When i say goodbye to friends, I'm either sure that I will be seeing them again (good friends) or certain that I might not (acquaintances). When I say goodbye to family, I know that it's merely a word that I utter coz my family NEVER leaves me. At least the support of mine have far exceeded my expectations.

But when I said goodbye yesterday, all that I felt was a lingering uncertainty. No tears. No emotions. Just uncertainty. Will I feel that boundless sense of security again? That freedom of speech that never offended despite it's bends and twists? Those moments of laughter that felt like it could never end? That spontaneity and sense of adventure? Those perfectly tamed virile fingers around my short stumpy ones? (plz feel free to gag) Long drives into nothingness? Conversations and shared views that went beyond any other?

Forget. Will I be able to forget the gazes that made me feel like I was worth a million diamonds and counting? The discomfort in my tummy that seemed to increase with intensity? The possibilities?

Let go. Will I be able to let go of the sense knowing that all this was only a car ride away. Or a cheap phone call away. Or even a text message away. The surety. The memories. The person.

Perhaps. Perhaps not. Just like it began. Like the summer. It ended. No clarity. Brief. Momentary. With a covenant. To remain the best of friends. Like mature, concerting adults. I am surprised at the level of maturity that I, myself have developed. How my expectations are in check. My composure never withering. At the end of the day, I followed my heart. And kept my head exactly where it needed to be - in place.

In so many different ways, this was one of the best things to have happened in my life. It renewed my faith. Like an urgent remedy for my distrust. It came swivelling. Bringing back the belief that sometimes, life has tiny surprises that pushes you off course. Coz if there's one, there's probably a lot more. And just like he says, if there were good times, then there's probably MUCH better times to come.

Yes. We will meet again. We might not be the same people. Things are unlikely to ever be just like how it was. But for those times, let there be memories. Experiences. Resonating laughter. And pictures. I am content now.

Friday, February 13, 2009

St. Valentine

8:56 PM

I find this valentines day rather ironic. Those who should have plans walk around with uncertainty. Those who shouldn't have plans aren't falling short. hmmmm. I'm retreating to the gym. Where I shall spend time with my first valentine of today. The treadmill.

As the days slip by, I'm feeling increasingly content. And maybe, just maybe, I sorta am looking forward to going back to Auckland again. There's something about a clean slate that's becoming increasingly appealing. Or perhaps it's the screw ups that I'm leaving behind....

Whatever the case, Happy Vday. Have a great one regardless of where you're spending it. In the slums of work. In the drunken fests of freshies boot camp night. In the spins of a night club. In the sweet embrace of your loved one. In the mound of your messed up life. Get lost in the moment.

Tuesday, February 3, 2009

Fear

7:32 PM

I have to admit. I am scared. It may seem to you that fear has taken over a generous portion of my life for no apparent reason. But to me, the reasons are not as far fetched as it would seem to you. Particularly coz everyone has their own generous set of problems to deal with. But mostly, coz you are not me. And 'me' has a hundred gazilion thoughts running through my head at every breathing moment. I sleep well, almost too well at times, but even then, there are spectrums of dreams that I do recall. And the dreams that plague my subconscious bear a very striking resemblance to what I think about in reality.......


I am scared for my mother. Lately, her coughs are almost earth shattering. She's always had this bugging cough that drove my sister and me insane but now it's just plain frightening. My mom's been diagnosed with Asthma BroncoPneumonia (<- yes, that sounds terribly scary but she's on meds and has to breathe with an inhaler so I hope everything will be ok). I almost broke down into tears when she started coughing this one time in the car. OhmyLord. It sounded horrible. And she tears as well. Her face goes beetroot red. And it sounds like all her organs could come out if she continued for just another mere moment. I think stress has contributed to this ALOT. My mom has been stressed out ever since I can remember it. She worries too much ( now u know where I get that from), wants things done IMMEDIATLY and has this annoying need to be on top of everything. It has seen her through some of the best days but I am worried. That soon she'll reach a triggering point which will result in a domino effect... And my mom is like THE EVERYTHING in my life. Which means every little thing drives me insane although I may not show it all the time.


I am scared for my sister. Some things cannot be understood. Other things cannot be controlled. And this thing cannot be elaborated. I can only hope that with time, she realizes and will make the right decisions. Coz really, honestly, my sister is an awesome person. No matter how different we are, there are moments that I share with her that are truly magical at times. Conversations that miraculously converge into mutual agreements. Thoughts that intertwine. A connection that cannot be described. I don't ever want to lose that. Not now or in the future.


I am scared to trust. This is something that my mom always warned me about. Don't trust people so easily. They only want to take advantage of you. Men only want one thing from you. They are all alike. God Bless my mom for disclosing all this hidden troves of treasure to me. But I don't think it has done me any good. With friends I am overly trusting. With guys I am completely untrusting. Sometimes I feel that people continuously take advantage of me. Other times I react so defensively and develop an air of indifference that it makes it hard to approach me at all... I think I'm pretty much damaged when it comes to trust. Where I want to follow my heart, my head comes barging in reminding me of all those times I've been hurt. The rest is a never ending tussle between the heart and the head. Best to stay out of it...

I am scared of what the future holds. When I go back to Auckland this time around everything will remain the same on the surface but whether or not it will feel the same is a completely different story. Two of my closest friends will not be around. And as happy as I am that they have found better prospects and solace in other institutions, I am pretty concerned about how it will all turn out when I need to find someone else to confide in. Hope is all I'm hanging on to right now. Sure, the excitement of meeting new people should bring about enthusiasm. But sometimes, I despise this vicious cycle of meeting new people, becoming attached to the point of disgust and then saying the goodbyes and starting all over.

I am scared for Leeza. Her patience is a good thing. But I am afraid that what's now described as a good thing may come back to consume and drive her to the point of frustration. I am scared that I might not be able to be happy with her choice. Whether it's momentary or permanent indifference to this turn of events, I don't know. All I know is, people never change that much and it's always better to trade on careful grounds.... So yea, Leeza. I'm sorry. But all I want is for you to be happy. Even if it means waiting. But then again, I have trust issues, so what do i know?

I am scared that all these stupid thoughts is making me a ticking time bomb waiting to explode. So I shall go busy myself with the stuff that I need to get done before boarding a flight and travelling 290479837589347 miles away from this awesome place. Sometimes I wonder, why did I ever leave home. I had a life here, and clearly I still do.... But if I never left I would've never found out that this world is such a gigantic place with so many different people. Not everyone will like you. You have to live with. Life is not about pleasing people. It's about pleasing yourself. I would've never known independence on a whole new level. I would've continued to stick within the boundaries of my comfort zone and been happy all the time.... So here's me saying, "here I come world. For round 2. Suck me dry. Kick me in the shins. Wring me out. Do whatever you want to. Just as long as I have a home to come to at the end of the day, I'm fine!". I leave in exactly 3 weeks from now. Yes. Where the hell did all that time go to?