Bridging Fantasy & Reality

Today.

was ruled by Murphy's Law.

was the day i went a straight 48 hours without sleeping.

was the day I survived on a staple diet of peanut butter and bread because I realized that I had run out of groceries.

was the day my essay was due and also the day I felt like I had to go through a series of obstacle courses just to submit an online copy into turnitin and a hard copy into the submission box.

was the day my slippers gave way as I was walking through the business school, trying to find a printer to print out a copy of my assignment. (this always happens to me!)

was the day I tricked a friend into believing that I was in trouble when all I was in was my own self created drama which I couldn't cope with alone.

was the day I walked the streets of NZ and around uni completely barefoot.

was the day I discovered I could sleep while standing upright.

was the day I witnessed a friend lose his temper.

was the day I realized the bane of last minute work.

was the day I sat in front of my computer completely oblivious to the passage of time and completely oblivious to the fact that I hadn't brushed my teeth even though half a day had passed.

was the day I discovered that working under pressure had no effect what so ever on my level of perfectionism.

was the day I sat through a meeting AND practiced my part for a skit despite not being able to keep my eyes open.

was yet another day that went by without me having the courage to speak to him.

was the day that I enjoyed the attention.



Today was also the day.....

that I realized Murphy's Law is simply a state of mind.

that I realized i was one of those lucky people who didn't get eyebags despite staying up.

that made me realize that too much of a good thing is never good. In this case, peanut butter.

that I realized that I had never really made an effort to remember my tutor's name OR pay attention to tiny details...

I discovered it was time to put an end to slippers......

I discovered what a truly awesome friend she was by dropping everything and being right where I wanted her to be in an instant.

I realized that despite me being conscious about roaming around with no footwear, no one else really cared. Egocentrism works in the most wonderful ways.

I decided never to relax my shoulders while standing upright.

I discovered how everyone had a breaking point.

I realized that last minute work will always play an integral role in my life. Sadly.

I realized there was a reason for the cavity that cost me a bomb.

I decided that perfectionism is not necessarily a bad thing.

I realized there was an invisible force prying my eyes open just when I needed it to be open.

I realized that he didn't have the courage to speak to me either...

I realized that I should stop milking some forms of attention.....

Today was, simply put, A VERY LONG DAY.

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I ABSOLUTELY LOVED the day that today turned out to be. It was just one of those days when Murphy's Law had no ability to extend it's tentacles over.....

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Life's like a box of chocolates.....





Life has been pretty good thus far. Things seem to be falling into my lap with ease (although, not all these 'things' are particularly stuff that I want)... Uni life appears nowhere near bleak as last year. Gives me the courage to say that I am doing better than I expected... Just a couple of days ago I received an reinforcing e mail from my bio psych lecturer. These are probably self generating e mails which get sent out to the portion of the student population who achieve grades above a certain threshold in their tests. BUT the point here is, I was one of them... So yes. I am proud. Coz it was my first congratulatory e mail. If only I did just as well in my theories of personality and development paper.... I guess you can't have everything. Although, ironically, I actually like the subject content of the latter paper better.

My sociology paper marks also sent me over the moon. =D I am performing my nerd roles to the optimum level yo. Now if only those essays and research reports could write themselves. Owh brother! Kill joy.

I'm glad the future has fun fortified events lined up for me. If uni were all tests and assignments and study, I'd have lost my mind a loooooooong time ago. Thank God for all those little things that shift the attention span for a bit. Essential distractions, if you will? Anyways, Friday's the Huia Formal. I'm finally paying a well overdue visit to the Skytower. It's a shame I've never been there despite this being my 2nd year in Auckland. But then again, I've stayed near KL practically all my life and I've never been up the KL tower OR Petronas Twin Towers (KLCC shopping mall doesn't count), so there! They're having a masquerade theme this year which reminds me, I've to go get a mask to match my purple dress. No moolah to shop for a new dress as well so I'm doing the dreaded fashion repeat-er.

And then sometime mid May's UMSA food night themed Pop Ye Ye this year with the whole anak melayu retro setting in mind. And and and, get this! There's skit. It's a musical, with 5 scenes and a whole lotta dancing. AND, I play the lead actress! Me. Me!??! MEE!!! Me who when compared with a 'kayu' when it comes to dancing, the 'kayu' will win. Me who is so stage fright she'd rather piss in her pants than work the stage. (ok, maybe not) Me who can hardly blurt a script out let alone act spontaneously. This is insanity I tell you. It's a conspiration. Tuan was out to get me. That twit! SO yea. Here comes the rehearsals.


I am actually pretty grateful that I don't have a job to deal with no more. Coz my plate is as full as it gets at the moment. Heaps of weekend gigs to attend thanks to Anisha who has contacts from pretty much all corners of the earth. Uni work has been interspersed to keep me continously working on something or rather. If it's not a 2500 worded essay, it's a report that requires 20 references or an assignment to be completed after heaps of reading.


So there. Nothing to complain about. Likewise, nothing to boast about. I feel blessed.

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This was meant to be the weekend that I was supposed to spend studying at a quiet corner for my two economic tests on Monday and Tuesday respectively....

But..... what did I do?

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So. I was terminated from work today.

I know. Me saying this without the slightest hint of anger is probably no indication of normalcy. But my bouts of anger are interspersed. Between curiosity and frustration and relief.

Mostly relief. That I don't have to weather outrageous storms (esp in the winter) in order to get to work. Or that I don't have to wake up at that insanely hour anymore just to drag myself to work and do the opening shift. Or that those bossy little gym prat old ladies (oh trust me! old opium seeking ladies decked in gym gear are in NO way docile creatures!) can't tell me to replace the soap/toilet paper and clean the smudges of the mirrors anymore. I think I'll probably puke if I hear the words 'clubware' or 'synchronise' or 'reception' anymore. In fact, if it were possible, I'd probably seek to avoid the gym altogether. But I am one of those endorphin seeking creatures. Not possible.

I am mostly pissed, not at them, but perhaps at myself. For not being assertive enough when times called for it. I think I was too much of a pushover in fulfilling my dutiful obligations. At times I was so feeble as an individual that I felt the real me float up and out of my body just so she could laugh at me from above. I am pissed at myself for outwardly displaying my inexperience in the field of reception (is it even a field?!?!). I am pissed at myself for being intimidated by the situations that were seemingly unfamiliar to me throughout my work stint. It's almost as if every time I sat in that chair and plastered a fake smile on my face while cooing a greeting that immediatly seemed insincere, I was falling into this deep well of vulnerability. Yes. I am a very dramatic person. I think I rank highly on Eysenck's scale of neuroticism. Or perhaps I rank highly on his psychotism scale. Since the question 'do you always think about what other people think of you' is at present not clearly defined within the two.

I am frustrated because, now not only do I have no income being deposited into my account every fortnight, I also have to start PAYING for my gym membership weekly. Talk about killing two birds with one stone. I murdered them damnit!!

Look at me going on and on about this in all my dramatic galore when you don't even know the reason for my liberation from work (yes, that's what I'd like to call it so just go with it!!)... The reason was : I was on a 'temporary' contract and they needed someone with more consultation and training experience who was going to do more hours of work per week. I suppose there could be worse reasons for a termination. Like sleeping off at the front desk. Or having a customer complain about your inefficiency. Or stealing. Does snagging free stuff count as stealing? Coz after I found out about the end of my gym career (yea right!), I decided to come up with an evil plan of mass destruction. There were free hand sanitizers at the front desk. They were for the customers. I took them. Not one. Not two. Not three. I took heaps. It was like emptying the whole basketful into my bag. But they were free. And i am technically a customer now. So no crime. =P

Anyways, I get two days pay without having to work coz they didn't give me two weeks noticed as stated in the contract. AND I think the advantages offsets the disadvantages in a way. Tabulation :

Me with Work
Good pay
Ability to tell people that I have a part time job at a gym
Free gym usage
Beef up resume
rewarding when praised
having to be part of a team of consultants who know their stuff (well, better than i do ne way)
Experience

Me with no Work
Enduring shit working hours is no longer an issue
Better concentration in class due to above
One less worry
Walking to gym in the blithering cold during winter will not be an issue
personal safety taken care off (it's REALLY lonely walking to work at that psychotic hour)
Self confidence and esteem not trashed around like fizzy drink tin cans
not having to be part of a team of catty consultants who revel in petty work politics
the fact that they have to treat me like a queen again. I think it's high time I take the bossy road.

So there. It's off my chest now. Working was good and all. But for now, I think I should just settle for good ol life as a student. And perhaps something else will sway me in it's direction along the way. Things happen for a reason.

The worse thing about all this is that I have to go back to that stink place tomorrow for my last day of work and pretend like none of this ever happened. Three. Hours. More.

If you leave me pity messages in my 'comments' area or in the shoutbox I will give u a black eye. I swear! Just leave me alone.

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I've always wondered why man came up with this thing called time. Coz it seems to me like the only reason 'time' was invented was so that we could complain about how sometimes it crawled by and at other times it disappeared, like apparitions of smoke..... And now everything's got everything to do with it. People are encapsulated by the passing of time. Decisions on whether or not to rush.. choices. Should I take my time in the shower? Is there enough time to finish off my assignment today? Did you ever think about what it would be like if time ceased to be in existence today?

There would be no today or tomorrow or yesterday. There'd be no rushing. Or gauging. There'd just be you and me and the world living in present day. I'm not sure if that would be a better world or one that caused tumultous consequences to the world as we know it today...

My mid semester break was a perpetual battle against time. Saving it. Spending it wisely. Togetherness. Rest. Privacy. Study. A battle between the tiny little wars that I fight each day. Alas. As I have come to realize. Time is a tricky little chap. It plays tricks. Drags the rug from under your feet. Topples your world. Teases your self determination. Pushes you around. At the end of the day, there's only so much planning you can do. And there's only so much of that planning that will materialize with time constantly nipping you in the rear. Taunting.

I've decided to look back at the past two weeks and say that it was time well spent. I might not have done everything I told myself to do. I mean, when it's right there before you. All this extra uninterupted moments that you have. Your mind goes crazy with ideas. At least mine did. But as the days slip by, you come to realize that ideas sometimes just remain puffy little clouds that swim around in your mind. Possibilities.

There was a lot of throwing money around this break. Went winter shopping at dressmart and around Queen Street and I ended up with some pretty good buys. Falties are the way to go over here. I managed to snag a couple of tops and a posh white winter jacket for cheap prices just coz a few buttons had come off!!! Hello! the needle and thread is there for a reason. I also decided that this year, I will be one of them calve-high-boots-wearing chicks. So i went and got myself a pair of really skinny, skinny jeans and boots *hear the angels sing from heaven*. And now, I just can't wait for winter to grace us. Coz I am uber equipped.

Melitta and I were the picture perfect movie marathon runners =D. I actually REALLy looked forward to those nights when we decided to push our assignments aside, let our worries temporarily slide out the back door and laze around on the couch in the common room with good DVDs from the Huia DVD storage. Ah. Perfection! We watched Crazy Beautiful and Swimfan and Dude, Where's my Car and Never Been Kissed and Along Came Polly and Zoolander and hmmm.... I can't remember what else. But there was a lot of movie watching.

And then there were successful attempts to go clubbing along with the failed attempts. And catching up with old friends. And slaving around with our assignments. And many attempts to study. Getting caught out in the rain. It hailed one time in Auckland during the break! And loads of sleeping. =D Day trips here and there. Regular gym visits. Huia had an easter egg hunt thingy majiggy which was pretty fun. ALthough, we did end up in the losing team. It was the perfect ego smasher coz we actually thought we were going to win! SO yea. That pretty much summarizes my 'consumed by time' easter break.....

And now I savour the very last few days before it's all work and no play yet again.....

Friday afternoon. Lin Hui's bday lunch at this rather quirky Italian restaurant which resurfaced my fetish for Italian hunks and sent me into a throng of giggles everytime the waiters swung by with their loud and twangy accent. Cibo restaurant. Definitely one to visit in Auckland. I like!

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OK. Seriously. I don't want to give a shit ANYmore.

Stop this devil's workshop. Let me find solid ground. I refuse to be swallowed by quick sand. Take me away.

Bless me with patience. Grace me with effortless determination. Let me witness the demise of procrastination.

Soliditary. Let me cope. While I'm left to be, let me be. Loosen these ties. Untangle me.

Isolation. Let it be the procreation of ultimate good. Time. Help me deal. Memories. Help me forget. Moments. Help me cherish.

But most of all.... Most of all.... Help me start living.

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