Bridging Fantasy & Reality

"Intimacy is a four syllable word for: Here is my heart and soul, please grind into hamburger, and enjoy. It's both desired, and feared. Difficult to live with, and impossible to live without. Intimacy also comes attached to the three R's... relatives, romance, and roommates. There are some things you can't escape. And other things you just don't want to know." - Greys Anatomy, season 1

I hate you. I hate you. I hate you. I hate you. I hate you. Hate. Hate. Hedious hate! Despicable despise. I hate that you put ideas into my head and then try and shake it all out, but all you end up doing is triggering a mind shattering headache. I hate when this happens. I hate that I cannot elaborate any further in fear of the entire world and maybe even you knowing. I hate that this is a stupid game that I've had to play every single time yet, I've not been able to master it. I hate that it is so fun this way.

Which brings me to the question, what's considered too intimate and what's not intimate enough? Coz I can never tell.

Apparently, I've got the answer.

"I wish there were a rulebook for intimacy. Some kind of guide to tell you when you've crossed the line. It would be nice if you could see it coming, and I don't know how you fit it on a map. You take it where you can get it, and keep it as long as you can. As for rules, maybe there are none. Maybe the rules of intimacy are something we have to define for ourselves."

That aside, went out with sher for lunch. We toured the whole of Bangsar Village, phases I and II to aid digestion after lunch. The music store and bookstore were popular hits. Although I couldn't buy anything coz I didn't bring enough $$. Which is what I've decided to do at every single outing from now on wards. But Sher bought herself some cds. JEalOus! Bah! ToysRUs was on the agenda as well. What is it with people and the purple place that sells super improved, upgraded performance toys that might form haunted images in the minds of kids. Almost everything in there has a button which upon being pushed sings out partially clear, eerie tunes. I fear for the kids. Went around poking and pushing all the 'push me' toys I could find til I was satisfied. My favourite is still the one that sings 'la la la la la la la'. The white possessed monkey.

Met up with the satanic gang later in the evening for a confiding session which made me reassess my goals and put me back on track.

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"The key to surviving a surgical internship is denial. We deny we're tired, we deny that we're scared, we deny how badly we want to succeed. And most importantly, we deny that we're in denial. We only see what we want to see and believe what we want to believe, and it works. We lie to ourselves so much that after a while the lies start to seem like the truth. We deny so much that we can't recognize the truth... right in front of our faces." -Greys Anatomy, season 2

Yep. For most part of my life, I have always seen what I wanted to see. Today was different though. Today I saw things that were staring me back at the face. Things that I would normally choose to ignore. And I felt like a better person for it.

I witnessed the softer side of someone who I didn't really take a liking to in the beginning of days. At first, it seemed like she made a living out of finding fault with me. But today, I saw her differently. It was as if a completely different person took over. And I couldn't help wondering if I had somehow overlooked all this in the past to fuel my preoccupation of finding something about her I could taunt?

I realized that as much as I enjoy denying it, assuming presidency of an almost defunct club and breathing (some) life into it might just be the best thing to happen to me yet. Seriously. In the course of these few months, I've not only expanded my social circle beyond my wildest dreams within the country, but I've come to know so many spirited people from the whole of Asia pacific. I've inspired and been inspired. I've been able to keep in touch with many college friends AND school friends!. I mean, if it weren't for meetings and activities, I don't think I would be seeing much of Eu Sheng, or Ben or Yin Ho. In fact, I didn't even know yin ho til recently. And at times, I feel like I can somehow connect really well and find level ground with the members as opposed to some friends I have know longer (not the close ones tho). I've been exposed to politics. I've established myself as a leader, maybe not an awesome one, but a leader no doubt. ANd I get endless opportunities to improve myself. How often do you get offers to emcee and parade around at formal events? So the truth is. I am enjoying it. To the max. Sucky times reside in everything. U can't escape the suckiness.

I am a procrastinator of sorts. I deny this all the time. Of late, this has been exacerbated. In fact, "later la" is my favorite word. Darn. Gotta change. Luckily, I have a yin to my procrastination yang in the form of my I-need-to-get-things-done-right-here-right-now mother. She's been filling forms and urging me to apply for this and that by scaring me into believing that I might end up staying on the streets in New Zealand.

I can't deny that I am afraid of the prospect of living alone in a whole different country with different values. Maybe the prospect itself is what's keeping me excited. But will I feel the same way when I'm there in person? When everything foreign is looking me in the face and nothing quite much bears any resemblance to the place I've known all my life? Will I feel the same way then? I haven't a clue. All I know for now, is that the prospect alone is fueling my enthusiasm.

Denial, Denial, I think we're all stuck in it at certain points in our life. Recognizing it might be the only way to get out.

"Sometimes reality has a way of sneaking up and biting us in the ass. And when the dam bursts, all you can do is swim. The world of pretend is a cage, not a cocoon. We can only lie to ourselves for so long. We are tired, we are scared, and denying it doesn't change the truth. Sooner or later we have to put aside our denial and face the world, head on, guns blazing... Denial. It's not just a river in Egypt. It's a freakin' ocean. So how do you keep from drowning in it?"

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Ok. Anyone who says you can sleep when you die, tell them to come talk to me after a few months as an intern. Of course, it's not just the job that keeps us up all night. I mean, if life's so hard already, why do we bring more trouble down on ourselves? What's up with the need to hit the self-destruct button? - Meredith Grey, Greys Anatomy, season 1

Today was a really ReAlLy crappy day. Not so much crappy. More frustrating than craPPy. Coz today, I lost my park. I found out that presidency can grind you into a freaking hamburger. And to my surprise hunting down a laptop is not all fun if you include the amount of thought that needs to be put into it. And dreaming? What’s with the iffy images that clog your subconscious mind? Why can’t I just sleep in peace? Why dream of insignificant windy roads that gives me the creeps? …don’t ask.

Number one, I lost my park. Yes, the wide spacious, craggy hilled Taman Tasik Perdana allllll the way in KL. The one I pull myself outta bed for at least once a week at the crack of dawn. The park that I’ve grown so familiar with that it even has a special space in my heart. This morning, I woke up, put on my running shoes and drove down there. Everything remained the same. I did the usual. But then just as I was about to proceed to jog, friendly guy named J approached in ALL his friendliness. It didn’t seem like he was hitting on me …(I was covered in sweat from head to toe for Pete’s sake) so I answered questions in brief when he asked them. Very polite. Seemed decent. And what if he, mebbe just wanted to jog with me or sth right? Like they say, “go to the park, make a new friend!”. (This is rubbish in case ur radar didn’t catch it) Everyone deserves the benefit of a doubt. But no no, kids, it’s true when your parents tell you don’t talk to strangers. Coz J became my lil doggie, he sniffed my trail. Which made me concentrate more on making sure I wasn’t going to bump into him than my exercise routine.

Ahahufusirgerigldrghkdjfkbvdfugh! Morning endorphins lenyap dalam kesunyian pagian yang menjelma. Aizuddin, if ur reading this, can you let me know if that sentence made any sense at all? Thx. So It seems I may not be able to visit my beloved park coz he knows exactly when I come and which route I take and he frequents the park often. Yes, I learnt this all during the stringent conversation. Or I can just take my chances and change my day of frequentation….. at least, for now, I think that’ll work. Wtv it is, the park’s never gonna be the same again. And I despise that!

Number two. Had a semi fabulous afternoon nap today until that stupid dream invaded. It was a darn ass tiring dream. When I woke up, it felt like I had run a marathon. And it was raining! SO any sane human being would resume sleep. But NO. I had an obligation, rotaract meeting. Presidents deserve a break too right? I mean, I’m sure Goerge Bush wakes up every morning and reschedules a dozen meetings with his secretary. SO I start calling people and find out that the response is poor. Cassie’s lazy. Leeza’s ever ready but reconsidering. Surin gladly backs off. I can almost see Jason’s mischievous grin. And Alex never got back to me. Ben’s text broke me. So that left Shaun. The one person who I could not persuade. “Where’s your sense of ethics?” “Dimi, U can’t do this. It’s too last minute, the interact presidents will be there” “Dimi, U better go. Get ur ass here now!” But… but… but NO ONE is going!!!! “it’s ok, only both of us need to brief them”. Yea right! I’m sure he was looking forward to briefing Jocelyn more than anything. I had no incentive to go. But I had to drag my ass down there anyhow, just to maintain my what-wuz-tht? Ethics! Dic Vinn was quite cute though. Can still hear Cassie exclaiming in horror… “he’s younger than you ok!”… Please la. I know better than to dig any interact president. Shaun better not be reading my blog.

Presidents duty doesn’t stop there. She has to come back and make sure everything is coordinated for the super important superfyingly crucial meeting next weekend. And so she types til the tips of her fingers has no feeling. Everything’s ready except for accounts from Shaun’s side.

Was supposed to resume laptop hunting today. But then the sky was scarlet and pregnant with acid rain when I returned so I rescheduled with mom. Which brings me to tomorrow when I have to transform into a fembot and run multiple tasks. Carwash banner’s ready. T shirt design needs to be submitted. Venue for interact conference needs to be settled. This and more remains my responsibility. Plus, bank draft and submission to JM. And I think I told JJ I was gonna stop by for lunch. And dig out more laptop info from him.

I deserve the right to rant. Sorry if I hurt anyone’s feelings in the process.

This blog entry will hopefully self destruct in your mind after you leave my site…..

Maybe we like the pain. Maybe we're wired that way. Because without it, I don't know, maybe we just wouldn't feel real. What's that saying? Why do I keep hitting myself with a hammer? Because it feels so good when I stop.

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If you come to think of it, the things that you will miss most once you can hardly experience it again are indeed the tiny details and most nonsensical of the lot... how true!

Evil Spawn : I tell you! it's syisha la k. Where got such thing as sheee sharrrr?
Antichrist 666: WTV la. Can we just order it now. I don't care what the spelling is...
She-Devil : You do know that syisha is the beginning of all the evil in the world right? Syisha first, then what next?
Drugs? Tattoos? Casual sex? Alcoholic-ism? It all stems from syisha! It's the start of all evil! It's the reason
people go around with signboards saying "the end is near!".
Evil Spawn : Woman. You've got ish-shoes!

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Destination : University of Auckland, New Zealand pfft! Who cares about tht hole in the ozone? Which apparently resulted from the overpopulation of cows.... I'm never gonna view cows the same way again... bleuk. Yep. It's confirmed. You heard it here 1st.

Mission(s)

1 Get a laptop. Spoke to half the tech savvy population. And this is the outcome. Don't get Acer/Dell, they break down like nobody's business. Make sure the international warranty does not only cover Singapore (...international kononnya!) and does cover NZ. ALways pick windows XP over vista. HP/Toshiba/IBM rank high on the list. - advice courtesy of Cousin VJ, Jeremy J, and multiple pc guys at Digital Mall-

2 Send in acceptance letter as soon as bank draft has been approved.

3 Flight tickets

4 Accomodation upon receiving flight details.

5 Visa upon receiving receipt from the mentioned university.

6 Get a new wardrobe suited for the NZ climate. Wheeee!

7 Apply to US universities once the SAT results are finally in. I don't lose anything by applying. Besides, if I get into an awesome uni on financial aid, I might be waving bubye to the kiwis. LOL.

8 Research, research, research. They say, u can never be too prepared.

Number 6 is my ultimate favorite. LOL. Gotta run.

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She, mummy and me - We!

For Ben (who's obsessed with her) and Mike (who didn't really see her)

And the others who adore her... please, feast ur eyes

My sister - The babe

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All of us at Luna Bar, minus Mike

Me - with my screaming orgasm (sadly in a sad looking cup which doesn't do the drink justice at all!) and Nirmal, growing pinker by the minute

Mostly, foam... Mike and Ben's shared pina colada.

My interview with one of the reps at the Ministry of education was today. My mom made a book out of all my certs and personal documents yesterday. Literally! She made me submit extra certs and extra reference letters. And then she printed out page breaks in coloured paper, and labelled them with sections. And she put this tiny stick on flags on each section so that it would be easy to flip over. Ever the meticulous woman. Anyway, presumably, i came in with the thickest looking stash in a folder, while everyone else simply used paper clips. And just the previous day I was trying to make my personal statement sound as non-narcissistic as possible. But according to mom, being humble sometimes does not pay.

Anyway, the interview, despite being my first and having little to compare it to, was rather odd. Coz it seemed like no one knew what was going on. The interviewer was the most confused of the lot. He was surprised that his name was on the website when he was not really informed about anything by the ministry of education in New Zealand. I find this all a little worrying. Coz there's a high possibility that I might end up not getting the scholarship due to competition but I didn't anticipate not being eligible due to confusion amongst those in authority. Pffth!


Went to see Miss Irma again the day before that. I promised her that the remaining S2 students would take her for a treat before leaving. So S2? When ah? Both Miss Irma and Miss Joy wrote amazing reference letters for me. Technically, I wasn't supposed to read Miss Joy's letter coz it was sealed. But she provided 3 copies, so i just tore into one. I cannot tahan suspense okayyy. So a HUGE thank you to both lecturers for their awesome letters in such short notice. Also managed to get letters from the President of the rotary club and the immediate past president of RAC Bdr Sunway. Plus Miss Elisa's letter, that would be 5. Thanks to mom's endless bugging. Sigh. But i geddit, that me getting any financial aid at all is important.

Lunch today was, eh, interesting. Is it totally wrong that I find people who are intimidated by me and show it, completely adorable? The fumbling for words is just so kewt! (cute) Not that anyone should be intimidated by me la... But there are those rare occasions. LOL.

Deepavali's tomorrow. And somewhat, this year feels more festive than the previous year. Deepavali 06 was one in mourning. Didn't buy any new clothes. ANd I want new lengas! I have only one really gorgeous lenga which I wear to almost every function I attend. And one Punjabi suit which I wore last when I was in Form 2 i think. I bet my ass can't fit into it anymore. Oh, can can, it's the drawstring type. So, the point is, I want more lengas! I want lengas from India to be shipped my way!

Will be bringing muruku for the rotaract meeting this coming sunday. Oh, n no money packets for those visiting me, mummy says "v need the money". She wanted to give out one ringgit notes but I discouraged her to save us from the 'cheapskate' label.

Oh, I am, apparently, a manipulator. Was reading Cleo yesterday and I discovered that my personality manipulates. Sad but true. I lie extremely well. Without flinching. I'm good. In a bad way. Right Leez? Right?

No matter how hard we try to ignore or deny it, eventually the lies fall away, whether we like it or not. But here's the truth about the truth: It hurts. So we lie. -Greys anatomy, S2

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