Bridging Fantasy & Reality

"A couple of hundred years ago, Benjamin Franklin shared with the world the secret of his success. 'Never leave that 'til tomorrow,' he said, 'Which you could do today.' This is the man who discovered electricity. You’d think more of us would listen to what he had to say. I don’t know why we put things off, but if I had to guess, I’d say it had a lot to do with fear. Fear of failure. Fear of pain. Fear of rejection. Sometimes the fear is just of making a decision, because what if you’re wrong. What if you make a mistake you can’t undo. Whatever it is we're afraid of, one thing holds true. That by the time the pain of not doing the thing gets worse than the fear of doing it. It can feel like we're carrying around a giant tumor. And you thought I was speaking metaphorically." - Greys Anatomy, season 1

My weekend was crazy, yet I enjoyed every part of it. I would consider Rotaract to be one of the best things to happen to me but, then again, many good things have happened to me to this date. Great things that I don't feel like leaving behind when the time comes for me to live my life elsewhere. I'm not sure if mere memories will be enough then. If the mere memory of all the awesome people I've met will be enough to bring a smile to my face. Coz I've always been the person who hopes and expects more. And these expectations empower me. What I'm saying is, I feel like I've somewhat made a mark here. So to leave everything I've built up on is going to be difficult. I'm all for the challenge. As long as I have time to brace myself before reality hits.

Back to my crazy weekend. Started off with the SAT subject tests on Saturday morning. I was this *space between thumb n index finger* close to dropping one of my registered subject tests and sitting for only 2 instead but then I paid $8 per paper. That's like, almost RM 32. So I decided against it. I chose to do Lit first. The paper just broke my spirit. It felt like I was attempting a paper in Greek or something. I was worried about the time, which led me to literally pick answers based on instinct more than anything else. And my instincts aren't always very reliable so, one word - toast *ka ping*. Bio and Math weren't that difficult. There were those occasional questions that I didn't have the mental capacity for but pretty doable.

I felt a huuuuge burden lift off my shoulders once I was done with the tests. Headed over to Mid Valley with Nirm soon after to meet up with Mike and errr... Mike. Although the initial plan included Ben and Cassie. Thanks to Nirms' spectacular planning abilities, this worked out superbly. Jk. :P Anyway, we spent the entire day there. Watched Bourne Ultimatum. Walked around for a bit. Had vegetable-less meals and multiple drinks. Long conversations. Stalked Ben. Then walked around some more. This continued til around 12 am. Tiring but FUN!

Had to wake up extra early on Sunday morning in order to be at SyUC at 8 am for the Rotaract quiz. We were in charge of registration and printing of the certs and the lucky draws and ushering. Rotarians can be the most dysfunctional lot ever, but I loved every second of it. Fun in a twisted unorganized way. Plus, the presence of all the rotaractors made it even more enjoyable. We received Stacie Orrico cds and a medal of appreciation which I got to keep as tokens of appreciation.

Later at night, there was a deepavali dinner at some Pusat Komuniti in TTDI. It was more of a helping out frenzy as opposed to a free dinner as promised. But everything came together in the end. We had to sort out shoes to be given out to the orphans at multiple homes, which included stacking, compiling, classifying and distribution. Had to make do with what we had when there weren't enough shoes. Special thanks to the rotaractors present and Mike and Nirms who were there throughout the night.

Drinks at Luna Bar was next on the agenda. I had a screaming orgasm (a drink)! Which was like a mix of everything, yet surprisingly mild. Everyone agreed that it tasted the best compared to the other drinks ordered (pina colada, space something, red wine??? amongst others). Had a frozen Margarita later with Mike and Nirms. Drinks were on Ben. Anyhow, Luna Bar's really cozy. There're multiple locations to bum around to your preference. No dance floor, but no drunken acts either so it's rated high on my list of cool places to have a quiet but expensive drink in KL. Cass had to leave early so that left Nirm, Mike and me again. Lounged there for a bit before heading off on a journey to the nearest McDs which turned out to be a prolonged journey with a police check in between. Ah, good times.

Am typing out my personal statement at the moment. Gotta go see Miss Irma and Miss Joy later. And I have this nagging urge to head to the gym. So am leaving you at that. Will try and post pictures in the next entry.

PS: I accepted the emcee-ing gig. Because, it is screaming at me from every direction that we should seize the day, and exploit the opportunities before us. Fumble. Bumble. Dumble.

PPS: I am not always negative.

PPPS: I am going to be more decisive from now on. Anywhere and anything aren't options.

"The early bird catches the worm; a stitch in time saves nine. He who hesitates is lost. We can't pretend we haven't been told. We've all heard the proverbs, heard the philosophers, heard our grandparents warning us about wasted time, heard the damn poets urging us to ‘seize the day'. Still sometimes we have to see for ourselves. We have to make our own mistakes. We have to learn our own lessons. We have to sweep today's possibility under tomorrow's rug until we can't anymore, until we finally understand for ourselves like Benjamin Franklin meant. That knowing is better than wondering, that waking is better than sleeping. And that even the biggest failure, even the worst most intractable mistake beats the hell out of never trying."

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Meredith: Human beings need a lot of things to feel alive.
George: Family . . .
Cristina: Love . . .
Izzie: Sex.
Derek: But we only need one thing . . .
Burke: To actually be alive.
Cristina: We need a beating heart.
Addison: When our heart is threatened . . .
Alex: we respond in one of two ways.
George: We either run or . . .
Izzie: we attack.
Chief: There's a scientific term for this:
Alex: Fight . . .
Addison: or flight.
Bailey: It's instinct . . .
Meredith: We can't control it.
Izzie: Or can we?

I'm still in shock at what I received in my mail today. It's a completely reasonable mail under normal circumstances. But putting me into the equation and my fears and the fact that I never seem to stop complaining about my incompetence in this area. This proposal is indeed shock worthy.

I have another favor to ask from you. Can you be one of the emcees for the duration of the conference? The rotarians in Penang has requested that rotaractors handle the opening ceremony too.I'm asking you because I think you are experienced to be an emcee as I'm not that confident about the rest in my list. Do consider about it, OK?

I had to sms the sifu of all emcees, Shaun, just to be sure I was reading right. And to be completely certain that if I did accept the offer, I would still be deemed a sane woman. I think this subject needs further deliberation considering I almost had a minor nervous breakdown the last time I took the podium. Oh when oh when will I rock the podium? Plus, he doesn't even know me. We've spoken briefly on the phone but have yet to meet. So in terms of appropriacy, this is very hell bent.

So fight? Or should I take the next flight outta here?

Was in the middle of a literature test back there, so if you'll just excuse me......

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"I can't think of a single reason why I should be a surgeon, but I can think of a thousand reasons why I should quit. They make it hard on purpose. There are lives in our hands. There comes a moment when it's more than just a game, and you either take that step forward or turn around and walk away. I could quit, but here's the thing. I love the playing field." -Greys Anatomy, season 1-

It's Halloweeen! For real this time. Realized it when I was listening to Rudy and JJ on hitz.fm... They were broadcasting 'live' from a haunted house apparently. Around this time a few years back, I was stressing about what I was going to wear for the Halloween party at TGIF. Oh how my life has dwindled to lifeless-ness.

This entire week has been like a try-to-shove-as-much-information-into-ur-head-b4-the-SAT week. I give a whole new meaning to speed reading. In just a matter of days I managed to cover the basics of the cell structure to all the different kingdoms on the planet to the function of the nervous system and to details of the heart. My favourite part was genetics. Coz I got to do the whole criss cross diagram thing again. Punnet square my ar*e. The crisscrosses are addictive. And literature is killing me. Go ahead, Nirm, shout "I told u so!!". I have no idea how to master it. I know the terms. I like reading the excerpts except those really idiotic traditional prose styled ones. But It's unmasterable. Tricky business I tell you! I've done a couple of practice sheets without setting the clock and I seem to be getting more crosses than ticks every single time. Makes me want to tear my hair out and run about the house clucking like a chicken gone CuCkOo. Math is just math. I hate the dimensions part. Ugh! So many formulas... I'm dreading saturday AnD anticipating my life after the SAT. Nightmare before christmas indeed!

Went to see Miss Joy this morning. She specifically said 8 am so I had to get up early altough my psyche suffered a lot of damage in the process. Zombified. Cambridge exams are going on at the moment. Made me reminisce in retrospect at how we, the A levels clan, used to stand around in nervous jitter before our exams. I am SO glad not to be in that position right now. Anyway, dear Miss Joy thought I was still one of her students. She was like, "aren't you supposed to be sitting for the exam soon".... You can trust her memory to NOT serve her right. Am supposed to go there again this evening to drop off photocopies of my cert so she can come up with a masterpiece. Seriously. She could've hinted that she needed it earlier. And I could've saved a trip.

Broke is an understatement for me right now. I have to survive with 20 ringgit today. Not a problem if I didn't need to make excursions here and there. Unfortunately, I need to load up on petrol before going to college again this evening and then, drop by at the rotary meeting to get the t shirt matter over and done with. I. Will. Survive.

Auckland U sent their admission package on Monday. WooHoo! Now all I need is the scholarship which is no easy feat. Still waiting for the Adelaide and UTAS's responses. Am in no hurry to make a final decision though. LOL.

Mundane. Mundane. Unless you consider lactic acid build up an interesting conversational subject I have nothing further to elaborate in this entry.

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Doctors give patients a number of thing. We give them medicine, we give them advice and, most of the time, we give them our undivided attention. But, by far, the hardest thing you can give a patient is the truth. The truth is hard. The truth is awkward and very often the truth hurts. I mean, people think they want the truth. But do they really? - Greys Anatomy, Season 3

I set my alarm clock at 5 am today. Pity that I put it on snooze. Coz the next thing I realized, it was too late to make it to the park, what more spend an hour or so studying? It may sound odd, but for a long long time, I've gotten used to planning how my mornings would go the night before. This used to work very efficiently during the A levels period of my life. 4 am morning studies are efficient coz there is hardly any noise at ALL. I functioned in spite of the grog. And getting exercise out of your schedule in the morning itself is a master plan of all sorts. Believe me, if you're an avid whatever with regards to sports/exercise, get it over with in the morning. Coz if you leave it to later in the day, you'll just be too tired or too whatever to go with the plan. Plus morning endorphins rock!

Anyhow, my routine has slightly spun out of just that-routine. I think it's coz I'm not taking the SATs seriously enough, which sucks. I wish procrastination wasn't a characteristic. Bleh! My attentions span wanes so fast that I seem to be only finishing a page a day. Thanks to more Grey Anatomy!!! I just can't seem to control it. It's like this uncontrollable monster has taken over me and I'm stuck! Literally! My SAT reasoning score was just so-so. No, it was worse than so-so. When I compared my score to that of the students at some of the more reputable unis in the States, I am nowhere near. Which makes me feel crappy and like my brain cells are ultimately decreasing by the second. I wish I were one of those naturally intelligent people who did awesome without having to study. I'd kill to have that right now. And I'd kill to have Heidi Klum's figure too, but that's another story.

But apparently, even those people struggle to survive. Adam was telling me how he was struggling with his math elective so much that he felt like withdrawing. And this is one smart ass dude.

Me : Shaun calls me a babe. And so does Sanjay. Does that mean I'm a babe?? Does it??
Adam : Yea. Babe. Y'know. The pig? =_=

Went to send in my final documents to Auckland U today. And *surprise* *surprise* I managed to set a date for my scholarship appeal appointment with someone from the Ministry of Education in Putrajaya in 2 weeks time. If I get this scholarship, I will kiss the ground that the Ministry walks on.

A RM 80 parking ticket flapped almost too excitedly from under the wipers when i returned to my car. I tell you, that area breeds MPSJ reps. They're like hungry mongrels waiting, to either tow your car away or waste useful trees by spreading their papers all over the property. Anyway, dashed off to meet with Miss Irma and Miss Joy for reference letters. Why Miss Joy? Coz she's the one who persuaded me to retake GP and look what good came out of that....... Managed to catch up with Miss Irma for a bit although she was busy shifting offices. And she was really nice despite me forcing her to write me a letter with her being so busy with exams and the works.

Then drove to Eastin where I picked up Mike and we hurtled through the jam to get to La Manilla in TTDI for lunch. Mike can't pronounce TTDI. Mwahahahahaha! Anyway, it was great catching up with him. I think we should do this more often eh, Mike? Go to one place every other day til you get a taste of the food in every eatery in the area. LOL. Fffffuunnnnn!

Better rush off to "study" now.

The truth is painful. Deep down, nobody wants to hear it, especially when it hits close to home. Sometimes we tell the truth because the truth is all we have to give. Sometimes we tell the truth because we need to say it out loud to hear it for ourselves. And sometimes we tell the truth because we just can't help ourselves. Sometimes, we tell them because we owe them at least that much.Greys Anatomy, Season 3.

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Me and Leez a couple of days ago, at our Laundry 'outing'. The buggy sunnies were hers.

It’s sunny today! Ok, well not really sunny sunny, but it sure beats all those other gloomy days. I don’t think gloomy works for me. I think the weather sorta defines my mood each day. Really! Lately, it’s been happening a lot. Me, reflecting the weather. Maybe it’s coz of the studying? Not much studying, pfft, but let’s just say, it’s finally beginning to reside in my conscience that I have 9 days left before my SAT subject tests. And for some reason, I feel like I’m sucking at Math more than I used to. Maybe it’s all psychological. Once bitten, twice shy. And may I stress, I used to adore Math…. Before the A levels that is. I can’t agree with the time limit. Felt like a failure while timing myself yesterday. *Sobs*

Anyway, I went to see my agent at JMec or something like that yesterday. And instead of submitting my documents to the University of Auckland, which was my initial plan, I took a detour and submitted documents to the University of Adelaide and to the University of Tasmania in Australia. Wait! Don’t call me a hypocrite yet. There’s a perfectly logical explanation for all this, or at least I think so. Before submitting my documents, I spoke to one of the counselors there. And she was kind enough to go over the expenses of alllll the universities in Australia and NZ with me. And whaddya know? One year at Auckland uni with tuition fees + living expenses = BOMB. In Adelaide, full scholarships are offered, although my chances for this is slim coz a perfect A levels score is preferred. But tuition fee is still a lot cheaper and cost of living is affordable. Same goes for UTAS, where tuition fee is even cheaper.

My mom asked me to go ahead and apply to Auckland. There was still a very very very slim chance of me acquiring a scholarship. But considering the competitiveness of the scholarships and the fact that my score was an AABaa and not an AAAa or an AAAAa makes my chance even slimmer. *Sigh*

As I was speaking to the agent though, I realized how much more I wanted to be in the US where financial aid was available in abundance. Weird that the agent herself began to realize this as the discussion progressed. And she advised me against rushing to complete my education just coz of peer pressure. What she said was something similar to what Mike expressed to me on msn days ago. And yes, I do get the hunch that I am rushing this unnecessarily just to get over with the decision. Thing is, all this while, I thought it was merely my indecisiveness that was creating this whole complex. I’ve been self absorbed. I didn’t think that financial issues were going to hinder me from furthering my studies at a reputable institution. But it is. Because whether I like it or not, I am being funded by a single parent who will be paying for my education through her nose. So there!

Anyhow, all these options are driving me insanely out of my wits. The last time I pondered, I thought of signing up at HELP for psychology while waiting for my US applications to come in. If only this were as easy as making a choice between signing up at Taylors or Sunway for A levels.

Are you yawning yet? The fact that you’ve read this much only means that you now MUST proceed.

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"You know when you were a little kid and you believed in fairy tales? That fantasy of what your life would be -- white dress, prince charming who’d carry you away to a castle on a hill. You’d lie in your bed at night and close your eyes and you had complete and utter faith. Santa clause, the tooth fairy, prince charming -- they were so close you could taste them. But eventually you grow up and one day you open your eyes and the fairy tale disappears. Most people turn to the things and people they can trust. But the thing is, it’s hard to let go of that fairy tale entirely because almost everyone has that smallest bit of hope and faith that one day they would open their eyes and it would all come true." - Grey's Anatomy, season 2

Auckland University application arrived in the mail today. Details on what and how to submit were stated.
In a perfect fairytale : ppl don't go to universities.

Went to the immigration to renew my passport in the morning.
In a perfect fairytale : there is no need for a passport, ppl just magically teleport to their destinations of liking.

Will be signing up for Unis at the IDP fair tomorrow just coz it's free.
In a perfect fairytale : Everything's free

Have an itch to watch more Grey's Anatomy.
In a perfect fairytale : dvds pop up like apples on a tree. "Feel free to pick" reads the sign below.

Feeling lazy to continue with this update coz it doesn't make sense anyway.
In a perfect fairytale : There aren't any blogs. And nothing makes sense.

"But the thing is, it’s hard to let go of that fairy tale entirely, because almost everyone has that smallest bit of faith and hope that one day they would open their eyes and it would all come true. At the end of the day, faith is a funny thing. It turns up when you don’t really expect it. It’s like one day you realize that the fairy tale is slightly different than your dream. The castle, well it may not be a castle. And it’s not so important that it’s happily ever after -- just that it’s happy right now. See, once in a while, once in a blue moon, people will surprise you. And once in awhile, people may even take your breath away." -Greys Anatomy, season 2?

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"At some point, you have to make a decision. Boundaries don't keep other people out, they fence you in. Life is messy, that's how we're made. So you can waste your life drawing lines or you can live your life crossing them. But there are some lines that are way too dangerous to cross. Here's what I know. If you're willing to throw caution to the wind and take a chance, the view from the other side... is spectacular." -Greys Anatomy, season 1 -

I got an agent today. An agent who's gonna help me pursue my studies abroad, or at least try to. Finally. A reason for me to stop scrutinizing the websites for resourceful information! You can trust me to misconstrue the jargon any time. All I have to do now is drive down to her office in Subang, beside IDP and she'll help me with the application process. She didn't mention about charging for her services though. Come to think of it, it all sounds a bit too good to be true. But according to Adam-the-wise, agents make a profit from the participating university everytime a student applies, so there!

Apparently, tomorrow, she'll be getting a Letter/Statement of Good Conduct for me from Putrajaya. A letter that will declare me free from complicated criminal accusations. Before agreeing to go ahead with the offer though, she made sure to ask me, " So, you sure of picking New Zealand as your study destination then?". This was met with silence. *1 min* *2 mins* *3 mins* *4,...... "erm, I'm actually gonna sit for the SATs soon. Wanted to apply to the US but I think the admission is a bit too late. So I think New Zealand will be a good alternative option. Bla bla bla bla bla bla bla" (NOTE: the answer to that question was a simple yes or no). See how effectively I twist the urge to make a decision into a curveball so that I may not directly need to make one any longer? My fight or flight response kicked in. It happens whenever I stumble at a crossroad.

Her response met mine with some humour and a knowing tone. Aha. So I'm not the only one. In this, I find consolation. LOL. So I've printed out the documents and gotten everything ready for tomorrow. I'm going to apply. Coz if I don't, I might end up going no where. And NZ's a beautiful place to study. I've heard it time and time again. I'm applying for the scholarship as well. If I don't get that, and if my SAT results are satisfying, then I will move on to the States. See. I've got it all under control. what's that? Trying to convince myself??? Bollocks!

I finally decided to give mom a break by going to make myself new spectacles today. My power has increased by 25 in both eyes. Pretty predictable considering I don't wear my specks around very often. Anyway, I am totally in love with my choices. Yea, choices. Coz mom let me pick out a pair of sunnies as well. I got those black thick rimmed "nerdy" looking glasses to wear at home, or maybe not coz those are pretty in at the mo. And the sunnies were ok looking la, since my choices for powered sunnies are limited. Am totally in love with the rims though.

Watched Kabhi Alvida Naa Kehna with my sister yesterday. KANK for short. I've not watched a hindi movie since my grandfather passed away so it was a little unusual for me at first. But Hindi movies always come in those GREAT love story packages. They're all cheery and funny at the beginning and really heart wrenching at the end. Predictable as they are, you gotta appreciate the effort that goes into making these LOTR time framed movies. It was so bloody long! Slightly more than 3 hours to be exact. And just the day before I watched Dhoom 2 which i personally prefered. Hotties alert! And the songs were a lot better. So, yea, I'm on a Hindi movie roll. Although I am gonna force myself to stop watching them for fear of becoming a bad influence on my sister. Me watching, refrains her from studying coz then she watches too. And we all know how excruciatingly near SPM is.

Been catching up on bio a lot. And math. Mostly for the SATs. And get this! I know lit terms so well now! Like Allegory, and Alliteration and Allusion and Parody and Parable and Fable and Aneuromorphism (erm, i think). No. The book's not in front of me. I managed to come up with a system. *Groans* You're right! I need to get a life! Can't wait fo fellowship night this sunday.

Future plans
SATs exam
Interact Quiz - helping out
Interact Conference - Group Discussion Leader
Rotaract Conference - Social Bee

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