Bridging Fantasy & Reality

" Life is to be fortified by many friendships.
To love and be loved,
is the greatest happiness of existence" -Sydney Smith-

I'm finally done with exams! Done, DOne DONE! And at this moment in time, i truly believe with all my heart and soul, that there is no other individual on the face of the planet who's happier than i am... The taste, the smell, the touch of emancipation, i feel it! I'm embracing it and never letting go. I'm too happy to deal with any other emotions right now so i've chosen to leave the sappy, soppy stuff for tomorrow.... The rants and raves about how i'm gonna miss all the things about everything.... Today's my day to feel happy, to feel like another exam's far far away, so far away that it's beyond vision, obscured by an opaque exterior.........

Oh, btw, Aizuddin! Thanks for checking out my blog and leaving a comment! It HAS been a long time!!! It's only fair now that i gain access to your blog.... I'm assuming you definitely have one considering how we Echo-ians (or ex...) cannot live without purging literature one way or another.... So drop me an e mail or something k. I'll be waiting.

Did some catching up with Kah Howe for an hour or so before i got cut off. MSN messenger is driving me nuts, this isn't the first time, it's like the umpteenth time *nostrils flare*. It's almost as if some weird computer poltergeist possesses the darn thing and pokes fun at me just when i'm beginning to really get into a great conversation. But like someone once told me.... "They hear you!".. So PC, if you're listening, i just wanna say, u rock the socks off me.... LOL

Anyway, he strongly advices that when choosing a path in life, interest comes above all else... That's like a duh statement but what if that interest doesn't pay handsomely? what if you've got a family to support and your passion just fails to deliver? Most of the stuff he said really did make sense though.... And hearing about how he's doing in Australia was bulging-eyeballs-interesting.. He knows how to cook! And i don't! Nuff said....

Went to One U with Mike, Ben, Cassie, Wannitta and Christine after our chemistry paper 5 today.... (WARNING: Shereen, you're prob gonna have urges after reading this sentence. Urges to cencang me and twist my neck like how a chicken man would to his chicken, but *whimper* there're so many other movies out there that we can watch, i promise, i won't spoil it this time around!!!!) Watched Ocean's 13 and it was....*yawn*. It's true, quality does crash and burn with sequels. Brad Pitt looked yummy though!! Yummy in almost everything he wore, yummy in almost everything he did.... And i kept telling Cassie this til...i think...she got kinda sick of me poking the side of her thigh to gush.... Anyway, there was a lotta talking before the real business took over which was kinda unlike Ocean's 11 during which i was hooked hooked hooked!

Had fun during our lunch at Jack's Place though. The food was so-so but just talking with the rest felt good. Can't imagine not seeing these guys anymore (but that's for tomorrow). I think we kinda got a trip to Gentings plan going but there was a lotta discussing and nothing's finalized yet so i'm not gonna let myself get all gung-ho about it... And the baby beside me was a real entertainment! Like a lunchtime entertainment!! Seriously, ooh, those little chubby hands, felt like grabbing it and *********** (don't ask!)

And then during the drive back, the four of us gals just transformed into the psycho clan.... Cassie and Christine were completely intoxicated but what i'd like to call Invisible Chardonnay and Wannitta got all Donkey-ish on us. I had to try and keep sane in order to avoid myself from swerving off the road... But then again, it felt great, getting all mental just us girls and babbling about the crap that occur in our lives every now and then... We should have long car trips in the jam more often eh gals??


Ben says my blog is in desperate need of pictures. Here's the thing, i TRIED loading pics just a moment ago and that silly poltergeist won't let me! (ME: I still love u PC!) Almost lost this entree with it so i'm gonna leave that for another day as well.

Til Sappy Soppy Thursday!!

PS: I just figured out what Paris Hilton is gonna say when she first enters her cell... "Whoa, these walls are, like, so hot! Did someone gedit for me from Walmart or something? Coz that's, like, hot" Eugh!

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CONGRATULATIONs to Ping Ling and Jeremy on your upcoming wedding!!!!!!!!

Can't believe you guys kept it from us for so long!!! Unfair-ness! Went ballistic when Daniele told me. It's the best news i've heard all week. Am truly happy for you guys....

ALSO Many Happy Returns of the day Ping Ling!!!

Jacintha, don't know the details yet but I'm happy for u!!!!!

I can comfortably say 'i told u so' now.....

On a much more sorrowful note, i'd like to take a second to convey my condolences to the grieving family of Mrs. Rama, one of the science teachers in CHS. She succumbed to breast cancer on Wednesday... I'm sure she'll be missed by teachers and students alike.

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" Papers papers! Where art thou?" -Dimithira, 10.30 am, 8th June 07

Aiks! Can't get a hold of the Chem paper 5 past year questions! Geramnya.... Just went to the CIE website for the millionth time and all i managed to get was the June 03 paper. Easy access to all our students, or so they claim... Bullshit! It's a major pain in the ass maize...

That aside, the papa jahat up there is a dedication to my dad this father's day. He may never know that this blog exists but at least i did think of him and i did have the heart to say 'Appy Fathers Day for what it's worth.... Negative aspects aside, my dad's not thaaaat bad. Things could be a lot worse... Plus he was a real dish pre beer gut and all. Can totally see why my mum got entangled in the web he spun... The web of lies camouflaged by a polished exterior... If i dig a little deeper, i know there's love somewhere in me, just no trust.....

Everytime i hear that Michael Buble song on TV, the one that plays when the father's day ad's running, i get this warm and fuzzy feeling... Brought on a sense of nostalgia.

What am i doing here anyway? I better get studying now....

Just wanna thank Case for the message and Shereen for trying to make me feel better post mechs paper.... It's weird that i feel i've majorly screwed up for math, esp since math was always a paper that i was least concerned about in past examinations....... But whatever! I can't let it bother me any longer, already tortured myself long enough.....

Good luck for physics everyone!

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" To be nobody but yourself in a world which is doing it's best,
night and day, to make you everybody else,
means to fight the hardest battle,
which any human being can fight,
and never stop fighting." - EE Cummings

I'm moooooving on.... Moooving on, Moooooving on *hum* *hum*

Heh, considering what a huge deal i had cooked up just a month ago about leaving the creature comforts of college, even I am pretty surprised at my sudden change in perspective. I suppose the excitement just got to me. I finally feel like my....much fantasized about...plans to head to NZ is finally materializing. I mean, of course i haven't applied to the University of Auckland or anything yet but at least I've mentioned it to my mom and she's not brushing it off. I can see that she senses how I feel about getting there and doing that double degree. I'm thinking human nutrition and writing of any sort. There were suggestions to do law, the idea vaguely swung before me..... It made me traverse back into the days of Ally McBeal all over again, intertwined with the seductive image of Grace Chin from Ugly Betty in her hot sexy bias cut top.... There's just something about Lucy Liu...

Anyways, we're planning to look into study loans, scholarships, financial aid and the works. My mom's sure I'd be able to find something somewhere. I personally wouldn't mind working part time to earn and help out with the financial burden. In fact, I've always wondered how it'd be to work and study. Stressful I'm pretty sure but it'll be an experience. With one final paper left, I'm just taking a little break to scour the Internet for some useful information. It's times like these when i worship the existence of the net.

I have plans, lotsa plans after graduation. Let's see, there's a holiday. There's seeing Adam once again. There's the internship that I'm dying to do already. Can't wait to see what it's like to work in a publishing company. Grabbing coffee for bossy editors, running around in a frenzy amidst the hustle bustle of events getting entwined in print junk. My blood's pumping already. Will ask Joanne to start sending me out on assignments for YM esp since i've been cut loose from studying obligations. Coach Moon wants to sign me up for tennis tournaments. LOL. I was like "WHOA! hold your horses coach! I still pretty much suck". Anywayz, he says i'm improving and wants me to go to Mont Kiara to play with this 40 year old lady. I'm not sure if that's an insult or some twisted training method to get me going. Apparently i will be playing with another coach this Sunday. Kinda nervous about that. Oh! Oh! And coach told me that i lost weight. That was after Shalene told me the same thing... *Puts hands up in excitement* wheeeeeeeeeeee! Don't feel any significant difference but any sorta compliment works for me.

Then, there's my very first trip to Sarawak to stay in Jacintha's Paris Hilton-esque house. (Make a mental note, must remember to get ticket). Also planning to work for a month in some F&B outlet. I've always wanted to stand behind the counter at a Starbucks outlet and work up a masterpiece out of crushed ice, ice cream and whipped cream. Stuff that i can never consume but can always play with. *claps in glee*. That is if i get a job there of course and if i'm tall enough to stand behind the counter without being completely blocked by the cash register. Then there's the cash register and the task of mastering it. My cousin worked in Secret Recipe once and by the end of his temp contract he had tasted ALL the cakes and eaten ALL the meals there. So perks! Ere i come!

Oh, then there's the Rotaract Conference which i have my eyes set on. Daniele's agreed to go and so i should be going to. There's the MKK hike.... Wheeeeeeeeee
I think i'm orgasmic.

This is so unlike me. I'm always going with the flow, crossing the bridge when i get to it.... Now i have plans!!! This is me now. I have a direction! Am finally navigating in the front seat.

Talking about navigating and front seats, the next time i sign in i will be Dimi, the competent driver. Probation's over for me!!!!!!!!! No more worrying about demerit points, no more red P on the back (n front) of my car!!!!! As of 13th June 07, i'm an emancipated me, both from exams and from probation driving........

Mooooooving on.......... I wonder how many cows i'd stumble upon in NZ?? (if i do go there, tht is...) Too bad i can't drink milk. Would've loved to pose in a Milk Moustache.

Fact: the first person who did the Got Milk? ad with a milk moustache was cell phone flinger Naomi Campbell.

Cassie tagged me like ages ago and now i'm supposed to write a story about my crush.....
Note : The person i've been crushing on is not someone i've grown to like simply coz i don't know him and only value the pleasure he brings to my sense of sight.

He's a real dish, yummy shoulders, great arms, nice hair, great smile. He practically looks like he walked outta a glossy magazine. Oh, but then again, he kinda did appear in some sorta mass media. He speaks with an accent. I pretty much enjoy talking about him with a couple of friends who i know has hots for him. FUN! FUN!

Became ecstatic when he oh-so-smoothly saved my red stabilo ink pen from spending a lifetime on the dirty grounds of the library. *Gush* *Blush* That was probably nothing but it left me grinning like a fool throughout my drive home. Shalene's confrontation with him was of a more dreamy sort though. I'm JEALOUS!!!!!! At least i CAN say that he did talk to me. LOL. I take consolation in the fact that i went noticed :)

Anyway, that's that. He's hot. He's nice to look at. Does he have substance? I have no clue. Do i think of him 24/7? Sure as hell not! Does he appear in my dreams? errr (might've) Can i live without him? Totally!

So here's how it works, the people that i tag must apparently write about their crushes... (can't believe i'm playing this game). So write away:

- Sher
- Lizzie
-Mabes (ur not linked but i wanna noe!!)
-Daniele

PS: It's world environment month! Let's save the planet!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

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"The thing about plans is they don't take into account the unexpected, so when we're thrown a curve ball, whether its in the O.R. or in life, we have to improvise. Of course, some of us are better at it than others. Some of us just have to move on to plan B, and make the best of it. And sometimes what we want is exactly what we need. But sometimes, sometimes what we need is a new plan." -Grey's Anatomy, S3

All i remember..........



Was sitting there, second row from the front, looking at that very last question that i oh-so-conveniently forgot to do. That i did not see, did not even manage to read when time was still valid, when i had so much of it to waste. I felt nauseated, sick, tear-my-hair out frustrated. I had practiced that question so many times, prepared for it till my fingers protested in pain and my eyes began to envision small static like dots. I had prepared for that very moment over the last few days, prepared so hard, practiced over and over again like someone who had lost her mind. Practiced to the point of cockiness.



All i remember...



Was a sick sensation rising to my troath-bile? gastric juice? - It didn't matter, nothing did. Everything was moving in slow motion. I made a feeble attempt to scrape the last of what i could but all i managed to do was replace the differential equation into it's integrable form before the lecturer with a limp approached to grab my paper.



All i remember.....



Was my suddenly constricted blood vessels in my limbs sending all the extremities cold with trepidation. I was caught up in that moment, my future flashing before me, all those faces laughing, letting slandering aspersions slip. The image of receiving my result slip and a huge disappointed look on my face hit me.



All i remember......



Was the look Jeremy gave me when i told him. The indifference that Esther showed when i told her. The way Derek spoke about it, making me feel like a complete idiot. A fool of all sorts.



All i remember.....



Was how i never EVER wanted to feel that way again. How the pressure had gotten to me in the most vicious way ever. How it sucked so bad, sitting there, frozen with the harsh realization that 11 marks was thrown away without even being attempted and there wasn't a thing i could do about it, nothing, nada, zip, zilch. The A was no longer in my grasp and nobody but I was responsible for it. A moment of carelessness, a lifetime of disappointment.

All i remember.....

Was the pendemonic atmosphere in the hallway, thick with anticipation, seething with self doubt. Voices of people flaunting their mistakes in the most agonizing facade. Exaggeration of each flaw, of the total amount of marks dissipated into thin air. Yet, i knew that mine was far from an exaggeration. It was the harsh truth that would make everyone else feel a little better about their performances. I paraded it, spreaded some love amidst the turmoil.

All i remember.....

Was not being able to shed a tear, not being able to wipe that pathetic goofy smile off my face, not being able to scream like i wanted to so badly, not being able to vent, not being able to give a damn about the 'complex situations' faced by the rest. My mind just boggled with self doubt, with the idiocy of it all.

All i remember.....

Was the look everyone gave me when i told them. The sympathetic look, the worse of the worse that anyone can get. The one that says it all-"you're doomed". Mouths synched to "everything will be ok" but looks gave it all away. It was a grave mistake, the type that no one wishes to ever make. Stupefied, how could this happen to me and why did it? I knew it was going to be far from ok, yet, i couldn't understand why i was calmer than i deserved to be.. The comforting hugs, the back rubs, the added exhibition of marks lost from here and there-i wish i didn't get em, i wish i didn't hear em, i wish i wasn't there. What i needed was someone to just set me straight. Someone to be honest with me. I needed mum.

All i remember.....

Was hearing her voice and suddenly letting go. It's was all i could do. Regardless of how much this meant to me. I may have collapsed but the world hadn't collapsed with me. There was still going to be a tomorrow and i have one last paper left before all this is over, before my face turns into a permanent frown.

All i remember.....

Was walking with Christine in One U, going over the darn thing over and over again. Zonified. Thinking about it between the scenes while watching Shrek the third. Thinking about what Miss Irma said to console me. About how the Brits suck at math. I surely hoped that this batch sucked even more..........

All I remember.........

Was stoning in my car for a half hour or so after my mechanics paper (which i screwed up s well), a few days earlier, telling myself that i could pull through. That i was totally capable of it, that i was stronger than what most worked me out to be. And i did. By Tuesday, i was on a roll. I could do ALL the past yr papers without help from anyone. I mastered everything that i needed to. I was a freaking math-dreaming zombie.

All I remember..........

Was my knees buckling beneath me as i broke down into tears in my room. The idea of it all, the unfair state of being. Mom walked in on me then and made me realize what a silly person i had become to let a couple of As dictate who i was. "You know what you're capable of, tht's all that matters. Stop indulging in self pity, let it go, what's done is done". "But i need to prove my capabilities to so many ppl!!!!!!!!!!!!!" I wailed. Seriously! Grow up! I know for a fact that had i done that question, the A would've been in my hand. No one else needed to know that. People make mistakes and this, albeit silly, was an honest one.

All i remember........

Was having a plan. Well, the plan didn't work out splendidly so it's time for a new one. I'm done regretting over the past. My fingers are crossed and my praise extended out towards God. Nothing else matters... So why do i still feel like pond scum?

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got on the pc to upload songs from JJ's pen drive and (all of a sudden!) i found myself ere!! these naughty little fingers!!!

Just wanted to let ALL my faithful blog readers know that my article on the youthmalaysia website is out. Yea yea, signed the contract ages ago but editing and all is a hassle plus i started to write just before mocks so walla! Ze product of mia blood, sweat and tearz, we finally havez eet! Zis zelicious supreme delight! Just go to youthmalaysia.com and it's right there.... under 'Insight'... With my name and all... *nose begins to swell, more like throb!* I'm soooo prouud! Good to know that i don't suck in at least one thing....

Bio today was BLEH! Left out two questions, wrongly answered one which i so B****y hell knew how to do and lost about 4 marks for miscellanous stuff that i knew but forgot, makes a grand total of 12??? i think?!!? ROAR!

Worry worry worry! Worry defines me!

GP's tomorrow.... Superb! Just great timing, wheeeeeeeeee! Let me swim in self satisfaction. I am soooo gonna ace this paper..... It's like having a cat in the bag. Cake! Pie! Sweet!

'-' In case u didn't sense it, that whole paragraph was a truckload of sarcasm... Catherine Fong! You're my idol! Although i've never met you! I only have nice things to say about you! I connect with your thoughts, you inspire me! I wish i could inspire people the way you do through your essays..... Enough already! I've said all these wondeful things about you, could you just pretty please exorcise my body and sit this paper for me??

I will do well for A2. I will! I will! I must! I will! I have to! MUST WILL HAVE TO MUST WILL HAVE TO MUST WILL HAVE TO MUST WILL HAVE TO MUST WILL HAVE TO MUST WILL HAVE TO MUST WILL HAVE TO MUST WILL HAVE TO MUST WILL HAVE TO MUZWEELLLLHAVETOO...

You know how they say when you say stuff a lot and long enough, you start to believe it??? Well, it doesn't work!

*looks at the clock* SHRIEK!

Ciaozy!

PS: Daniele! I sincerely hope you get well soon! My prayers go out to you today! Lotsa HUGS AND KISSES.......

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" Do not let your fire go out,
Spark by irreplaceable spark in the hopeless swaps of the not quite,
the not yet, and the not at all.
Do not let the hero in your soul perish in lonely frustration for the life you deserved
and never have been able to reach.
The world you desire can be won. It exists. It is real. It is possible. It is yours" - extracted from One Tree Hill Season 3

Wow! I've missed my blog. Feel like i've been out for the longest time ever... Been studying a lot. I owe it to myself considering how badly i did for the mocks. My performance for the Mock examination this time around is the worst i've ever done in my entire life. I've beaten all my records and literally thrown my self worth to the dumps. My grades came back worse than ever, almost as horrendous as i expected them to be (this is normally not the case coz i always expect the worse case scenario). I think each time i received a paper, i had like a mini inner heart attack and my heart performed a little tap dance in my chest. Very disappointing. Even Miss Irma told me that i did not match her expectations in terms of performance.... But she was very encouraging when i went to her for comfort after receiving my papers. She told me that there was still time and anything IS possible regardless of how impossible they may seem. I'm starting to find truth in her words despite being verry skeptical at first....

Funny! I had the urge to cry upon receiving some of my papers but i couldn't. I just couldn't shed a tear, couldn't release the frustration within me.... I was very disappointed, agitated, scream-into-a-pillow frustrated but there was nothing i could do about it. All i could do was take it and will myself to do better. I've been very hard on myself these past few weeks. My inner critic has gone berserk. She's a b**** alright. "You're not good enough! You're going to fail-you always do! Look! They're all better than you! You suck to the core! You're a good-for-nothing! Stupid! That's what you are!". Man! if only i had a special magical knife to stab her without hurting myself..........

Initially i was confused, it's not like i didn't study. I did! Albeit, a lot of last minute cramming. But then i realized that doing well is not merely confined to that. Of course, studying IS essential (who am i kiddin), but it's not the only thing that will help you get through..... The realization helped me come up with a list of what not to do before going into that exam hall and acing those papers. The chair you're sitting on might feel like the ones the prisoners sit on before they get executed via electrocution, the ground might feel like it's swaying beneath your feet and the test paper staring back at you may seem like your very life hanging on a thread but just by overcoming those first few moments of anxiety, you're halfway there...(OHMIGOD! Suddenly, this weird image of the sperm head penetrating the zona pelucida of an ovum via digestion through secretion of hydrolytic enzymes just entered my head. So weird!!!!!!) But I guess you can think of it that way... The journey of the sperm is toughest at the beginning but when it enters the ovum then, 'selamba' only right? I think the same applies to exam situations... Clammy hands, nervous apprehension, inappropriate breathing techniques set in during the first few minutes, after that, you just roll with the ball.........

So here's my oh-so-'useful' list : )

1. Do not sit for a paper thinking you're gonna screw up/fail. Even if you've not studied enough,
just be confident that you WILL be able to score for the chapters that you have studied for.
Psychology plays a big part here, think you're gonna mess up and you will...
2. DONOT drink coffee/consume caffeine before any of your papers (esp if ur not used to having caffeine in your system) It only worsens the anxiety and causes you to panic under high
pressure circumstances.... (i had a bad experience with coffee during my pure math paper)
3. Stop cramming at least an hour before exams. This is normally what the lecturers advice us
to do, yet we choose to ignore it... At my expense, cramming before exams has only succeeded
in confusing me even more, sometimes, even about the topics in which my strengths lie....
4. DONOT discuss your answers with friends. This gets you unnecessarily worked up...
5. Sleep early so that you can think clearly for your papers. Easier said than done but yea....
6. When you're doing the questions, DONOT leave the ones that you do know for later, simply
coz they're just too simple. Do them then and there, there may not be a 'later'
7. If you find yourself panicking, take a second, breathe and tell yourself that you just need to do
your best coz God will do the rest.
8. If it helps, say a prayer before every paper. It's what i always do, helps to provide inner calm
9. Read questions and underline what the questions requires you to answer, takes only a few
secs.
10. Lastly, just remember that exams aren't everything, do your best and keep your fingers
crossed.... Bill Gates and Einstein weren't geniuses to begin with but they didn't let a couple
grades deter them or define them as individuals.

Here's a shout out to all my a levels buddies, enemies, wtv, we're all in this together... SO all the best for A2, come out alive and ready to enter another phase of life altogether.

*Sigh* Last week of college next week. Sadness, relief, nostalgia all jumbled up within me....

Special thanks to Jacintha Tagal and Nathaniel Jameson for their comforting gestures and advice. Thanks for coaxing me to a certain extent to start believing in my potential again. Been feeling dumb/stupid/inadequate a lot lately- thanks for coping with my silly antics and sometimes, over-the-top drama queen fits...

In the words of Shereen Asha : "Will be back after June 13th". I've officially banned myself from the net!

Dimi out! (ps: my fire's burning, bright and ferociously.......)

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